| Monday, October 31, 2005 |
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Another Monday...
I can't get over how beautiful the weather has been for the past few days - gorgeous. I was out Saturday all day and ate my infamous "cheat meal" at the Cheescake Factory. Yum. Prior to eating I did a two-hour water workout, and then after eating I walked for an hour and a half. Somehow I just couldn't eat it and let that be that...I had to buff up my workout and was glad to. Anyway, walking around Atlanta on a sunny Saturday at a new outdoor mall was just what the doctor ordered.
I think I should have an okay weigh-in this week. Hopefully I can get back on track with momentum. I'm hoping to get my bp, cholesterol and sugar checked this week, and that all those numbers look great. Surely something should be improving :).
I'm getting some clothes ready to pass on to my sister and daughter. It's an incredible feeling to be able to get rid of some of my "fat clothes" (no matter how nice I think they are). That's making tons of space in my closet. I've tossed the idea that I'll wait to buy new clothes (for my self-esteem's sake) and am picking up bits here and there. This is just gonna be part of the process/reward system.
I'm trying to mentally prepare for Thanksgiving, between meal planning and strategies for smart eating. My daughter and I had a tug of war over smoked turkey vs. a pot roast. I thought I won hands down with the turkey because a roast would be less lean, but she's refusing to eat the turkey. We may end up with a neutral choice of ham. I've decided in advance that I'm going to enjoy the day without any pressure. I've made it through the fourth of July and Labor Day bbq's...I can' do this one too.
Not much else to log...I'm walking on sunshine (oh-oh...and don't it feel good???). |
posted by heavenlydm @ 12:35 PM   |
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| Wednesday, October 26, 2005 |
| Eat chocolate??? |
I’ve gotten over the distress of yesterday. I got on the scale last night and I was six pounds heavier. Two are probably TOM. I moved on – it was what it was and I have to regroup. I went to my water aerobics instructor (who doubles as a yoga instructor) for a pep-talk and she told me to take a break and eat some chocolate. Have a “cheat meal”. Take some time off. W-H-A-T???? I think I beamed to an alternate universe, bizzaro world – someplace else. I could have burst a blood vessel. I just got finished telling her I’m 10 months in, 45lbs down and bored. She told me to eat chocolate, have a “cheat meal” and eat some salmon. Take a walk. I sat there in the locker room trying to figure out if it was me. Had I somehow missed the vein of what she was trying to say??? Could she not see me in my distress, with more than 100 lbs to loose, trying to keep my grip, looking for suggestions for “healthy” ways to spice things up? It felt like a moment from the movie The Christmas Story when the little kid looses it and blurts out all kinds of obscenities because he’s finally flipped his top.
From that I learned something. As much as I’d like someone else to tell me “the” answer to the challenges I’m having, I will have to walk this one out. I learned that the first 45lbs for me were easy, and the next will be a little more challenging. I learned that this is my journey, and I have to figure out what works and doesn’t work for me. I learned that I have to get past the exhilaration and everything that felt good (including thinking it would always be this easy) and dig my heels in. Roll with the punches and move on. The long haul is here. The time is now. I can always glean from others, but when it comes down to it, it’s about me, my choices and my commitment. This too shall pass. Nothing is impossible with God. All things are possible with God.
I’m still looking at my “ebay bag” wondering – what was I thinking???
We have finally crossed over into fall weather. I turned the heat on for the first time Sunday night. The leaves and piles of pine straw are everywhere. I’ve had lots of hot tea, decaf and cocoa. (…fade in music) It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
I’ve been asked to pray about going to Kenya for a ministry project next summer, and felt honored. The team that will go is mature and it was a great compliment to be asked. I love missions, and loathe the fundraising I have to do to go. In the end, every minute I spend getting things together is worth it when I can extend a hand, touch a heart, lift a countenance and demonstrate God’s love towards creation. I’m tearing up recalling the miracles I’ve seen – physical healings, hearts mended, encouraging words spoken to situations that only God and the person knows about. There’s nothing like watching God do His thing, and getting to be a part of it. I’ve always wanted to go to Africa; it’s such fertile ground for the miraculous. I was born for this! |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 3:57 PM |
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| Tuesday, October 25, 2005 |
| Life in the Wilderness |
I’m having a wilderness experience – probably better spoken as the valley of the shadow of death. I breathe in a sigh and keep typing. There are certain things I have energy for, and some that I don’t. My mental state is somewhat compromised and directly related to the amount of prayer and quiet time I’m having with God. In a nutshell – I’m tired and anxious.
First, I’ve taken on new hours at work at the request of my wonderful boss. We’re about to step into a peak service season (holidays), and we’re short one person in our administration, so I’ve been asked to add on an hour a day (I don’t miss being salaried right now). In any case, I started working seven to five. It didn’t take long for my nights to be cut short. I barely can make it past nine o’clock before I’m sleeping. Okay, that’s not so bad…but I’m up at freekin 4am, looking around the room. Com’on! During the first week I found little things like extra time for bible study, a little crack of dawn jog, pampering my feet. It got ridiculous quick, so last weekend I willed myself to sleep longer, and it seems to be working out. Needless to say, nobody was very fond of my new zombie look! In addition, I’d like to make strides to take my job performance to the next level and because of everything else going on in life it’s hard to focus on it. Perhaps that’s a little idealistic for now and I need the grace let this go for a minute.
Second, I’m now 10 months into my “lifestyle change” and it’s gotten… boring. At first it was a new challenge (something my competitive nature could identify with), but now that element has changed. Then I was psyched by the reward of being able to fit into smaller clothes and look better in them. Now that’s frustrating because I hardly get to spend two weeks in them before they start sliding around. My old clothes have become frumpy (I’ve got kangaroo pouches in front and my butt is missing from my pants in the back, and in the words of my daughter – some of my shirts look like I’ve borrowed them from my older brother), and the new ones are odd because I’m constantly having to adjust them (because they, too, are becoming too big). Being a woman, especially a chubby chick, I’ve always been proud of the way I appeared – great color combinations, crisp…classic clothing with a neat appearance. Now I’m doing the best I can to present “togetherness”…lol…but the confidence is weaning because I’m constantly adjusting. This is frustrating. Help!!!
My workouts are leaving something to be desired too. I find myself drifting off in class or ready to do my own thing, but I haven’t walked off (which is goooood). I’ve been trying to remedy this by looking at alternatives – but the truth is I really need to do as much work as possible in the water for the sake of my joints, etc. I’ve already aggravated my left heel and sit parked with ice whenever I can. I suppose the reality is I need to look at changing my shoes, sneakers and getting an orthotic – something I hadn’t factored in when I looked at being more fit. My feet are taking a pounding right now.
Third, my eating has been fluctuating over the past two weeks. PMS, time of month, none of this is enough to give me a “bye” week or two. For the first time I may actually post a gain, and this is horrifying – something I never realistically thought I’d face. The nuts are gone, but really I think at issue is whether or not my health (not my size, shape, looks, endurance level) is important enough for me to stay disciplined through this rough patch. I want to snack, and it’s sometimes emotional, and sometimes because I’m not getting enough protein and fiber. I think the revelation I’m getting as I’m typing is that this is an issue right now because I’ve spent less time doing meal planning because of the new hours and fatigue.
Lastly, I’m not liking all the change and transition – not the results, just the painful process. I feel like I’m always, constantly in seasons of change with little time to rest in-between. The truth is…sometimes I try to tell God how to do His job, and when He lets me be in charge of running my universe I inevitably realize how futile my efforts are and how better qualified He is, and I allow Him to do His thing. God is gracious (you’d think we’d learn after getting beat up so often).
Interject short ebay story here...
I bought a coach bag on ebay after being inspired by a friend's purchase. I waited a week for it, paid what I thought was a fair price, got the box yesterday....I've been hoodwinked! I hate it - not in great condition as noted - and - I can't return it. No, it won't give me satisfaction to give a negative response in their feedback...I want my money back! Will I get it? No, I'll suck it up and learn my lesson - nothing is ever as good as it seems on ebay if the price is low...lol. I'm gonna stick with the store.
I think I’m done now…lol. I feel a little less cranky and ready to jump into the day. Okay, more like a moderate crawl. At some point I’ll approach a peak hour and get into gear. In spite of it all, life is good. |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 9:00 AM |
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| Thursday, October 20, 2005 |
| Marathon Woman in the Making??? |
I have amazed myself…
I missed the gym the other day for feeling under the weather…I’d had a low grade temp for most of the day. I decided to make it up in the park across the street from the house. There’s a nicely marked one mile walking/jogging track that circles around tennis courts, a play area, basketball and volleyball courts, a picnic area and two duck ponds. It’s nice to just be able to frolic there. Anywho, I got my daughter out of the house and I amazed myself. I decided I wanted to try jogging a little bit.
Now I’ve wanted to run for years, and haven’t done it since high school when I played basketball every day. The thought of the pounding on my knees and feet was too much to bear, so I put the notion in my mental filing cabinet for whenever. Every time I watch the biggest looser I think to myself…these people are bigger than I am and they’re running. Why can’t I??? So I did! Surprisingly my daughter followed behind me and passed me a few times. I felt like I had just crossed the finish line and won a gold medal. It took us 20 minutes to cover what we’d usually walk in 45. I actually couldn’t believe I was jogging. I had such a great time doing it that I took another stab at it at 5am. It felt great.
Now I’m sitting at my desk with ice on my knee (proactive therapy), and have already iced my heels proactively…with a cheesy grin on my face. I’m the winner!
For the past few days my boss has been at a retreat, which meant I had to oversee 24 testosterone-full guys. What was most interesting was their complaint that they needed a break from my boss. What??? He’s the most gracious and merciful employer I’ve ever dealt with – corporate, private-sector, non-profit, profit, service industry, non-service, religious community, non-religious…I’m like you’ve gotta be kidding me. I watch daily as he gives guys who would otherwise be written off or fired second and seventh chances. Sometimes I’m stupefied by the application of grace and mercy, however, I believe it’s better to err on the side of mercy than judgment. I couldn’t believe it, and I’m sure they just don’t get it.
It’s funny how it takes you being removed from a situation to see just how blessed you are/were. We can so easily take people for granted too. So…I live each day thankful. I’m grateful for God being in my life and where He’s brought me from. I’m grateful for all the people God has surrounded me with in life, where I live, the things I have and thankful in advance for what’s ahead. I’ve only been out of the country twice, but each time I could see how blessed I am to have been born in America (contrary to popular opinion) and to live here in such luxury – housing, running water, sewage systems and garbage disposal, refrigeration, transportation, jobs, churches, friends, access to medical care (though I am currently uninsured), computers, libraries, schools, parks, entertainment – none of this limited to a certain socio-economic circle…I am truly thankful.
Now, about being uninsured...
It was actually a godsend at the time. I put in an application at work for Individual coverage (we're a small business and there's no group plan) and it was rejected because of my weight in proportion to my height. At the time I was totally insensed - could have turned into the hulk, but later I realized it was probably one of the final last straws to get my butt kicked into gear for weight loss. Prior to that, because my daughter was so much heavier and had been having health problems, I was solely focused on her - totally hypocritical, pot and kettle type thinking. It's gonna be nice going in for verification of my weight and having the insurance company amazed.
I missed my regular weigh-in on Tuesday so I’m curious to see just where I am. Hopefully I will have a good showing despite going nutty for a few days. Onward and downward… |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 9:32 AM |
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| Tuesday, October 18, 2005 |
| Sweet Nothings... |
Nothing’s really happening. I’ve been aside myself for the past few days – partially PMS I suppose, and otherwise just feeling under the weather. I’ve been eating more, and have had to consciously direct myself to free foods for wanting to eat all the nuts I can get a hold of. I’ve been slipping on those things and think they’re gonna have to go the way of low fat Pringles (banned from my household) – at least for now anyway. What is it with me??? When I find something I like I just dog it until I don’t like it anymore.
I was struck by a “discussion” on the NS boards yesterday about low glycemic vegetables that weren’t listed in the booklet, but nevertheless acceptable. Someone who said they were a nutritionist gave some helpful information. It was great, and I planned to add a few more things to my shopping list. Somehow there was a focus on onions and when Mary Gregg the NS nutritionist had something to say, nutri-chick negated it. I thought that quite interesting. This is the online NS nutritionist for God sakes! I suppose the conclusion I’ve come to is that everyone desires a platform in life to say what they want to say, be seen, be heard…whatever. Fortunately I can chew the meat and spit out the bones, however, I have seen a few in my short tenure with NS give up because they felt the hassle wasn’t worth it. That’s sad to me because the folks who give up often bring so much to the table, and I miss them.
So…to the combative nutri-chick I say…get a blog! Come’on…do you really want to take away from the NS experience??? Get an office and charge people to hear your “opinion.”
To everyone else, read on, type on…and be responsible about it. When you hit that kink in the road just tell em’….get a blog! Get a life is very interchangeable here :o). Hey…that’s just one woman’s “opinion.” |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 2:19 PM |
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| Thursday, October 13, 2005 |
| Thursday Interludes... |
My last weigh-in was a shocker to me. Mid-week I had posted a three pound loss (unofficial weigh-in) leading me to believe it would be a big week for me. I was still eating the addictive, but now boring protein bars at a couple of meals. By the time I got around to the real weigh-in I was only two pounds down and the scale was still teetering. What the crap???
My realization:
Arrogance is ugly! I felt invincible, on top of the world, super-confident and secretly better than some for being able to handle my non-NS eating. That led me to arrogantly approach eating things without paying attention to some of my portions. At the beginning of all this I was a maniac about scales, measuring cups and spoons. I filled out the daily diary diligently. Somehow I got it in my mind that I was beyond that – an ultra-superior looser who’s gotten a grip on all this stuff - and wouldn’t slip and fall. How fast the mighty have fallen! Lord, forgive me. My portions started getting bigger and bigger and I stopped measuring with the instruments all together. Last night I had to go for a late night walk because I knew I surpassed 1500 cals by having a couple handfuls of pistachios (one of my weaknesses). In hindsight this morning I’ve decided I need to bag portions that are ready to grab so I don’t have to make a decision of when to stop eating them. I originally started out having them for my dessert/fat combo. Well, anyway, I have not “arrived” yet, so I’m back to being a measuring maniac. I’m sure this affected the potential for loss last week. Now, I’m not unhappy with loosing two pounds, I just put a lot of energy into last week and got the same results as usual.
My daughter has been struggling with stress and depression. I wanna wring her neck! I remember how I saw things at 20 and she suffers from the same tunnel vision – thinking the sky is falling in her little bubble when she’s actually doing okay and just needs the benefit of plotting out some goals and plans. She has no concept of planning to achieve. I hate these cycles with her because the stress triggers sickness and she’s dealing with some medical issues that get very complicated during these times. It’s so rewarding yet so difficult to be the parent of adult children. I’m just praying – praying she’ll catch the revelation and snap out of this. In the meantime she continues to drop lbs which is always good.
Today I’m bored. Sigh. I’d like to leave work and go for a nice walk at one of our local historic mountain hiking trails – pausing every so often to appreciate the fall foliage. General Sherman marched through it on his way to Atlanta to burn it down…lol. What’s funny is I’m so ambivalent about being there. On the one hand it’s beautiful and serene, but I drive around it or walk through it and can’t help but think of how the Native Americans fought and died there or were kicked out (the Trail of Tears), and it makes me sad. I’d settle for sitting by a stream and journaling or laying on a beach in Jamaica (without being harassed to buy something or get my hair braided!) with a walkman over my ears. Sigh…reality - back to work I go.
My thought for today…if you are what you eat, then what am I????
Happy Thursday! |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 9:37 AM |
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| Tuesday, October 11, 2005 |
| Renovation Progress Report |
Recent SV’s and NSV’s:
My last unofficial weigh-in had me down another four to five lbs. Official weigh-in tonight.
I got tired of being swallowed in my pants and decided to buy a pair of jeans – 3 sizes smaller! I’m wearing bathing suits that are 2 sizes smaller. I’m pulling all kinds of old clothes out of the closet now!!!
Compliments are still coming in at work (finally!! :o)
Yesterday was my first attempt at using weights and an exercise ball. I’ve stretched on the ball at the gym before, but it was my first attempt at a workout. Needless to say, I lasted a good 15 minutes, lol. I hate ab work! I’ve always hated it. As soon as I get going I’ve got a cramp, and the next thing you know it’s rolling all around my stomach. Ughhhhh! I’ve gotta somehow get past this so I can turn my keg into a 2 pack! It’s a lot easier to do crunches in the water with all the rest of the work to build up your core, but I’ve been wondering how effective it is, so I haven’t done a lot there. My next fitness project is to find a non-grueling ab workout I can do consistently.
I’ve been thinking about my size and weight and the messages I’ve received about it over my lifetime as well as my own self-perception. I remember being “big boned” as a child, but always physically active. I was 5’5” and 189 throughout high school, and played three sports during the school year and one during the summer. For as long as I can remember I was always physically active in school or with my brothers and kids in the neighborhood. Somehow that changed after becoming a mom at 19 at which I gained 50lbs during pregnancy and never really got it all off.
It was then that I began medicating with food and communicating to the world through my weight. Things started happening in my life that I had no control over, and I recognize now that I fought depression a lot back then. I remember how I use to walk with my head down at different times (I use to say I was studying the tile…lol). I was very angry about how difficult life was, and mad at the world for seemingly having it so much easier (this is not the diary of a mad, black woman). I used my anger and bitterness (attitude) and weight to try to keep controlled access to who I was and the pain I was in.
I can remember when I was married and how much my husband wanted me to loose weight (I married at 220lbs). I resented him – I wanted him to appreciate me for who I was more than how I looked – though at times I secretly thought I was foxy :o). Guys would always tell me “you have a cute face but…” I never responded to that positively. I believe I tried to keep myself from further facing that type of rejection by, in my mind, shutting men out by cushioning myself in with my weight. I remember someone I really cared about saying that if I gained another 30lbs that would be it (and so it was…eventually).
In those days I didn’t really know who I was, and was very passive-aggressive. I couldn’t see the big picture. Through the years I’ve been through lots of inner healing from the rejection, bitterness and insecurity. The fractions have become a whole. I like myself – though I have to say I never reconciled with my body and have just started doing that. I’ve always felt like I was being held hostage in a shell. The process of dealing with more “stuff” has helped me realize I’m getting to know other facets of me that were there all along, just waiting to be set free. More potential is being unleashed. More hidden anger released. More forgiving streams. More confidence revealed. More creativity to tap into. Greater leadership ability. More love and compassion for others. A greater desire to see others succeed. I voluntarily open my heart to share more of me. These are really good days. Life is good. |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 1:41 PM |
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| Thursday, October 06, 2005 |
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Princess Di! |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 12:18 PM |
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| Post Hump Day... |
How sweet it is!!! Okay, so I weighed in Tuesday night with a six pound loss (4lbs down from last week’s weight and minus the 2lbs I put on mid-week that freaked me out). As of today I’m down 40 lbs!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!! So, my strategy was successful. Here’s what I did:
Detour bar for breakfast plus or minus an apple
330 cals, 4 carbs, 30 g protein, 9g fat (it also gives you a little calcium and iron)
Detour bar for lunch plus salad w/light dressing
Fruit or salad for a pm snack
NS entrée (or equivalent) for dinner with veggies and salad w/light dressing
Fruit for dessert
Normal water consumption – 8 to 10 glasses a day
I did water aerobics as usual – twice in the five days I tried this.
Basically I ended up consuming 12-1500 calories in approx. four meals, but the biggest benefit was feeling satisfied and being able to give up MY traditional, non-NS deserts. The downside of this is the nutrition factor. I take a “buffed up” multi-vitamin that gives me more than 100% of the recommended vitamins plus minerals so I didn’t feel too bad about it. Overall my energy level was about the same as well. I don’t recommend doing this every day or very often as it lacks the nutritional balance and doesn’t deal with the behavioral aspect of eating. For me it was a necessary act of correction to give me the space to deal with eating more than 1 serving of desert, and the reason why I was having that problem. Plus…I refused to post a gain!
Sigh…yesterday I got an email from a friend and a comment from someone in the office about how they’ve noticed that I’m slimming down (well praise the Lord!). I’m grinning just writing this. Anywho, I’ve been waiting for people to say something and yesterday I had to flush out the reason. It wasn’t so much as a measure of approval or the need for flattery, but to be able to mark it as a milestone – when I lost this amount it was noticeable to others. I think it was also a way to address a comment my boss made last month when he asked me why I take so many pictures of myself (his question was how could I tell/see that I was loosing?). At that point I had already lost 25lbs and in my mind I was like – ARE YOU KIDDING???? You could see it on the Pillsbury Dough Boy! Lol. Ultimately I decided it’s a lot more important for me to feel good about myself and in my own skin vs. needing the approval of others. I just chocked my boss’ comment up to one of those insensitive male moments…rofl!!!
Boy, having the focus off of food has really brought some “heart issues” to the forefront. I’ve had to deal with some unforgiveness in my heart and walls that I’d put up to prevent being hurt. So, I’ve had some conversations and repentance, and let some things go. I’m so grateful to be able to be better in touch with what’s going on at the core of my being – I hate being all over the place or not having a clue that I don’t have a clue what’s going on (does that make sense???). Today I feel on top of things – like I’m riding a big wave. The view’s good up here and I’m not afraid to take the ride (surf’s up!).
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| posted by heavenlydm @ 11:13 AM |
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| Tuesday, October 04, 2005 |
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Immature (childish): doing what feels good.
Maturity: delaying gratification.
The mature/adults devise a plan and follow it. Dave Ramsey
Man o' man is that truth. Much of my experience so far has been to reprogram what gratification and the "feel good" actually is...it's gratifying to see scale victories every week. I have had to reprogram myself to know what is good and healthy for me - what is beneficial at the time. That makes me feel good. I so much prefer the high I get knowing I'm doing something great for myself - I'm eating to build a better future. I had to find out what things I can have and eat now and be okay with vs. what the food industry wants to shovel in my face. Planning - totally empowering. All of this has given me a new found freedom.
One of the truths I've been able to prove in a vaccuum over the last few days is that high protein, low carb actually works. So, I was having a particularly hard time sticking to portion sizes when eating my deserts which were not low glycemic. After a few days I realized I wasn't getting enough protein daily. I decided to take a time-out and eat some high protein meal replacement bars and the usual fruit/salad/veggies - just to break the routine and help reinforce the discipline I need. I was reluctant at first but the hours would fly by with such great satisfaction that I'd forget to eat the next meal. I'm hoping that I have a good showing this week on the scale as a result, but more importantly I know how to nix the snack/desertfest.
This "discipline" has definitely helped every area of my life: my relationships, finances, ministry...everything is positively affected. Carving out a new me has been wonderful.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put childish ways behind me. 1 Corinthians 13:11.
In other news...the raise is on the way with a bonus on top. How good is that??? I think about the goodness of God - I don't feel as though I deserve a whole lot compared to my flaws and shortcoming, but God is kind and gracious enough to pour out His love and show me signs that He loves me and wants to bless me just because I'm His child. That's so awesome!
The weekend was nice and peaceful - except for not having access to my computer until today. That made me think - it's not like when your microwave goes out and you have to use a stove for a day. When the 'puter is out life is almost over...lol.
...putting my childish ways behind me. |
| posted by heavenlydm @ 1:47 PM |
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