| Tuesday, October 25, 2005 |
| Life in the Wilderness |
I’m having a wilderness experience – probably better spoken as the valley of the shadow of death. I breathe in a sigh and keep typing. There are certain things I have energy for, and some that I don’t. My mental state is somewhat compromised and directly related to the amount of prayer and quiet time I’m having with God. In a nutshell – I’m tired and anxious.
First, I’ve taken on new hours at work at the request of my wonderful boss. We’re about to step into a peak service season (holidays), and we’re short one person in our administration, so I’ve been asked to add on an hour a day (I don’t miss being salaried right now). In any case, I started working seven to five. It didn’t take long for my nights to be cut short. I barely can make it past nine o’clock before I’m sleeping. Okay, that’s not so bad…but I’m up at freekin 4am, looking around the room. Com’on! During the first week I found little things like extra time for bible study, a little crack of dawn jog, pampering my feet. It got ridiculous quick, so last weekend I willed myself to sleep longer, and it seems to be working out. Needless to say, nobody was very fond of my new zombie look! In addition, I’d like to make strides to take my job performance to the next level and because of everything else going on in life it’s hard to focus on it. Perhaps that’s a little idealistic for now and I need the grace let this go for a minute.
Second, I’m now 10 months into my “lifestyle change” and it’s gotten… boring. At first it was a new challenge (something my competitive nature could identify with), but now that element has changed. Then I was psyched by the reward of being able to fit into smaller clothes and look better in them. Now that’s frustrating because I hardly get to spend two weeks in them before they start sliding around. My old clothes have become frumpy (I’ve got kangaroo pouches in front and my butt is missing from my pants in the back, and in the words of my daughter – some of my shirts look like I’ve borrowed them from my older brother), and the new ones are odd because I’m constantly having to adjust them (because they, too, are becoming too big). Being a woman, especially a chubby chick, I’ve always been proud of the way I appeared – great color combinations, crisp…classic clothing with a neat appearance. Now I’m doing the best I can to present “togetherness”…lol…but the confidence is weaning because I’m constantly adjusting. This is frustrating. Help!!!
My workouts are leaving something to be desired too. I find myself drifting off in class or ready to do my own thing, but I haven’t walked off (which is goooood). I’ve been trying to remedy this by looking at alternatives – but the truth is I really need to do as much work as possible in the water for the sake of my joints, etc. I’ve already aggravated my left heel and sit parked with ice whenever I can. I suppose the reality is I need to look at changing my shoes, sneakers and getting an orthotic – something I hadn’t factored in when I looked at being more fit. My feet are taking a pounding right now.
Third, my eating has been fluctuating over the past two weeks. PMS, time of month, none of this is enough to give me a “bye” week or two. For the first time I may actually post a gain, and this is horrifying – something I never realistically thought I’d face. The nuts are gone, but really I think at issue is whether or not my health (not my size, shape, looks, endurance level) is important enough for me to stay disciplined through this rough patch. I want to snack, and it’s sometimes emotional, and sometimes because I’m not getting enough protein and fiber. I think the revelation I’m getting as I’m typing is that this is an issue right now because I’ve spent less time doing meal planning because of the new hours and fatigue.
Lastly, I’m not liking all the change and transition – not the results, just the painful process. I feel like I’m always, constantly in seasons of change with little time to rest in-between. The truth is…sometimes I try to tell God how to do His job, and when He lets me be in charge of running my universe I inevitably realize how futile my efforts are and how better qualified He is, and I allow Him to do His thing. God is gracious (you’d think we’d learn after getting beat up so often).
Interject short ebay story here...
I bought a coach bag on ebay after being inspired by a friend's purchase. I waited a week for it, paid what I thought was a fair price, got the box yesterday....I've been hoodwinked! I hate it - not in great condition as noted - and - I can't return it. No, it won't give me satisfaction to give a negative response in their feedback...I want my money back! Will I get it? No, I'll suck it up and learn my lesson - nothing is ever as good as it seems on ebay if the price is low...lol. I'm gonna stick with the store.
I think I’m done now…lol. I feel a little less cranky and ready to jump into the day. Okay, more like a moderate crawl. At some point I’ll approach a peak hour and get into gear. In spite of it all, life is good. |
posted by heavenlydm @ 9:00 AM   |
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| 1 Comments: |
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Ah Diane, you just keep on hanging in there, honey. It's good that the clothes are bagging but I understand when you say you've always been proud of being a "put together chubby chick". (I think that's what I read!) You'll be a put together fit chick soon. Just don't let the little junk distract you. Sometimes we put too much energy into thinking about things when we could have just put it into the Lord's hands and been done with it. God bless you, sweetie. I know I feel blessed to be getting to know you. Be gentle with yourself. You're doing just fine!
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Ah Diane, you just keep on hanging in there, honey. It's good that the clothes are bagging but I understand when you say you've always been proud of being a "put together chubby chick". (I think that's what I read!) You'll be a put together fit chick soon. Just don't let the little junk distract you. Sometimes we put too much energy into thinking about things when we could have just put it into the Lord's hands and been done with it. God bless you, sweetie. I know I feel blessed to be getting to know you. Be gentle with yourself. You're doing just fine!