Heavenly Weightlessness: Renovation Progress Report

Heavenly Weightlessness

Twisting, turning, running, jumping...doing whatever I can to drop 177lbs and evolve into a healthy, fit me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Renovation Progress Report

Recent SV’s and NSV’s:
My last unofficial weigh-in had me down another four to five lbs. Official weigh-in tonight.
I got tired of being swallowed in my pants and decided to buy a pair of jeans – 3 sizes smaller! I’m wearing bathing suits that are 2 sizes smaller. I’m pulling all kinds of old clothes out of the closet now!!!
Compliments are still coming in at work (finally!! :o)

Yesterday was my first attempt at using weights and an exercise ball. I’ve stretched on the ball at the gym before, but it was my first attempt at a workout. Needless to say, I lasted a good 15 minutes, lol. I hate ab work! I’ve always hated it. As soon as I get going I’ve got a cramp, and the next thing you know it’s rolling all around my stomach. Ughhhhh! I’ve gotta somehow get past this so I can turn my keg into a 2 pack! It’s a lot easier to do crunches in the water with all the rest of the work to build up your core, but I’ve been wondering how effective it is, so I haven’t done a lot there. My next fitness project is to find a non-grueling ab workout I can do consistently.

I’ve been thinking about my size and weight and the messages I’ve received about it over my lifetime as well as my own self-perception. I remember being “big boned” as a child, but always physically active. I was 5’5” and 189 throughout high school, and played three sports during the school year and one during the summer. For as long as I can remember I was always physically active in school or with my brothers and kids in the neighborhood. Somehow that changed after becoming a mom at 19 at which I gained 50lbs during pregnancy and never really got it all off.

It was then that I began medicating with food and communicating to the world through my weight. Things started happening in my life that I had no control over, and I recognize now that I fought depression a lot back then. I remember how I use to walk with my head down at different times (I use to say I was studying the tile…lol). I was very angry about how difficult life was, and mad at the world for seemingly having it so much easier (this is not the diary of a mad, black woman). I used my anger and bitterness (attitude) and weight to try to keep controlled access to who I was and the pain I was in.

I can remember when I was married and how much my husband wanted me to loose weight (I married at 220lbs). I resented him – I wanted him to appreciate me for who I was more than how I looked – though at times I secretly thought I was foxy :o). Guys would always tell me “you have a cute face but…” I never responded to that positively. I believe I tried to keep myself from further facing that type of rejection by, in my mind, shutting men out by cushioning myself in with my weight. I remember someone I really cared about saying that if I gained another 30lbs that would be it (and so it was…eventually).

In those days I didn’t really know who I was, and was very passive-aggressive. I couldn’t see the big picture. Through the years I’ve been through lots of inner healing from the rejection, bitterness and insecurity. The fractions have become a whole. I like myself – though I have to say I never reconciled with my body and have just started doing that. I’ve always felt like I was being held hostage in a shell. The process of dealing with more “stuff” has helped me realize I’m getting to know other facets of me that were there all along, just waiting to be set free. More potential is being unleashed. More hidden anger released. More forgiving streams. More confidence revealed. More creativity to tap into. Greater leadership ability. More love and compassion for others. A greater desire to see others succeed. I voluntarily open my heart to share more of me. These are really good days. Life is good.

posted by heavenlydm @ 1:41 PM

4 Comments:

At 1:42 PM, Bob said…

So...how did the official weigh-in go?

Congrats on those new clothes and the compliments, Diane. All so very well deserved.

Good luck with the weights and exercise ball. Those things really stink when you first get going, but you will feel so good soon enough.

Seem to be quite a bit of soul searching going on these days, huh? There is a lot of pain pushed deep down in there, but I find that once I get past it, there are oh so many positive things. It seems that you are doing the same.

Keep smiling, Diane. And have a wonderful day.
At 1:56 PM, Karon said…

Hi, Diane! I have to agree with Bob. Many of us seem to be digging deeper than the first layer of fat and dealing with the emotional issues. That is a positive thing. I find it so much more motivating than just the physicality of losing the pounds.

Hope the official weigh-in put you where you want to be. You are doing fantastic!
At 2:41 PM, heavenlydm said…

Hey Folks!

Thanks for stopping by. My weigh-in was somehow not what I thought it was going to be (minus 2lbs)- more on that later. It's a loss just the same. Thanks or cheering me on.

I'm really happy about digging out the crud (stinkin' thinkin'). I figure, the more that's dug out, the more I'll grow and healthier I'll be. I believe the emotional, spiritual and physical all go together.

See you loosers later :o).

P.S...I hope I've finally adjusted my settings to stay free of the spammers!
At 10:39 AM, heavenlydm said…

Krista...I'm glad you read something that spoke to you. We're all in this together :). May God bless your socks off!