| Tuesday, April 25, 2006 |
| Changing Times |
Who likes change? Raise your hand. Anyone?
I've discovered that as difficult as it has been for me to handle my own changes, others around me say they they love the way I look, but I'm sure they're finding it difficult to accept that there's a new internal me as well. I mean jeesh...I don't need food to process my emotions or to mask what I'm feeling anymore. Things are out there, and because I'm not communicating through food anymore my feelings, opinions and responses are a bit more immediate and decisive. That's not so nice when it conflicts with my former way of relating and dealing. That calls for other people to change (their expectations), and that has to be negotiated. Folks really don't have a clue what's going on, and that requires great patience on the part of we loosers. I think we have to go the extra mile to keep the bridges running between "us" and "them" because we're the ones going through this and only we can articulate what's going on. It seems funny, but we're a bit like the 12-step community...the insiders have the inside track on the changes, emotions and snags of a looser's life and nobody else appropriately understands what it's like to be us but one of our own. It's like surviving a trauma or recovering from addiction...we have that rollercoaster of emotions, pain, trial, sorrow, sacrifice, overcoming and victory in common.
I've just been more acutely aware of how much my personality has changed...all my reasons for doing what I do are driven from a different place - a healthy place. Each day the point is reasserted: I have nothing to prove. Pleasing others is not the priority. Will others let me be me? Will they make space and allowances for me to change? Are they truly interested in me and my wholeness or is it really about them and how I can be better suited for them? I'm not angry or frustrated about this...just a little disappointed when I see how some liked it better when I was a lot less healthy. Interesting.
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Yesterday while at the gas station I was sprawled on all fours, butt in the air, trying to change a fuse in my car. I wondered how long it would take for someone to walk by and offer assistance. When they finally did here's how it went.
Setting: 8:45pm at a local gas station/mini-mart next to several low income apartment complexes in a "transitional" neighborhood.
Young man: Hey, you need help or something?
Me: Well, I'm trying to change a fuse and I'm not able to find it the way it's mapped on this paper.
Young man: Oh. You single?
Me: (laughing) I've got to figure out this fuse thing (thinking...you've got to be kidding me - and...halllllo....didn't you just ask me if I needed help? remember that?)
Young man: So, you single?
Me: (still laughing)
A few days ago at the gym...I'm at the gym in the whirlpool. It's as hot as I can ever remember - steam coming off the water - making the whole area a bit sultry for someone who's mind may wander off to provocative places. There's this guy I've avoided talking to for the last six months - only spoken with him twice at which time he made the inquiries (do you have a boyfriend, etc.). Well, I guess it was his time to inquire again. My heart was really to be kind and gracious...something I'm working on in every day life. For 15 minutes I listened to him tell me how he's what old school folks call a "seer." My eyebrows went up in the air...and I said - "seer...what do you mean (I know the term, I just wondered how he was using it)." He told me how he has the ability to see into people's hearts, and he likes to talk with folks and make deposits in them, leaving them with something more (direction, wisdom, clarity, hope) than they had before. Had he not had a lust problem he might have had a little more credibility with me. Five minutes before I had to listen to how much he loves full body massages, especially when they massage his butt (yes, I was thinking...this guy's a freak). Blah, blah, blah...I"m 59, retired principal working as a teacher so I can earn a second pension, blah, blah, blah (his credentials,
flah-flah-flah).
Well, I get to the point when I'm leaving the wet area - I'm done wiping the
sweat from my eyes and look like a soaked poodle - there's nothing sexy about this scene...lol - everybody's looking whipped due to the high temps. Because he's "macking" harder than usual I know what's next and I'm wondering how he's going to approach it. He lays it on (you have a beautiful smile, blah, blah, blah)...I'd like to get together over salads, I'd love to talk more with you. I thought...now I've never heard that one before. Coffee, yes. Salad?
Original. LOL. I'm wondering this whole time why this guy can't have a
normal conversation with me like he does with all the other people. He's
never talked about the Lord, only upon my initiation, and we only went there
this time because I brought Him up. Ughhh - now I'm thinking he's altered
his game to suit me. He then goes on to say he doesn't think God wants me
to do this whole "fitness thing" but wants me to talk to people (like this
freak???? Can I translate that into meaning I've worked my way to the right
size for him now?). My "pat" responses to his whole conversation
were..."that's interesting." And, hmmmm. So I told him we'll see, to which
he responded that he's already seen it (seeing as he's a seer...lol). You
think he's seen me NOT going out for salad?
Did I really loose 80 lbs to put up with this crap??? It was amusing at first, but not on the regular. (Affirming myself...I am not a looser magnet, I am not a looser magnet...LOL). |
posted by heavenlydm @ 3:34 PM   |
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| 7 Comments: |
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So much to say! First, great analogy to a 12 step program. So true. I know that you all understand my struggles in becoming someone new. Secondly, that guy is too too funny. A seer? Seriously? He needs to work on his game. And I love your use of the word macking. Too funny. I haven't used that word in so long, and it made me giggle involuntarily! Stay strong, someone right will come along whether you're looking for him or not!
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I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!
Care'
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i've also found those that were more comfortable with me when i was less healthy. it's perplexing, truly.
i had one thing happen to me at the gym. this older man who i had passed by yelled out, can i tell you a non-dirty kind of joke? i said um yeah, sure! so he proceeds to talk about 3 guys and how this one has this and that one has that, and the 3rd guy had a tampon - and that was that... very bad joke or over my head.. have you ever heard of such? oh my so i sorta chuckled and said nice, thanks and turned around to walk away quickly when he came up again and asked me if i played raquetball and said i should, and he'd give me free lessons, yadda yadda... i told him i mostly do classes and he said, well you look fine to me, you don't need them so come here sometime! sheesh.. i said thanks for letting me know and i had to go.
i cannot believe the guy you met though. he's one corny horndog! and the thing about being a seer, wow! i don't know if i could have kept it together like you. Either he failed miserably at the science of picking up women or he's a nut job. I vote the 2nd, who wants to 2nd that!? hehe...
dontcha wish you could just make a sign that says, please no losers to come within 10 ft of me or just stay the hell away losers!! haha..
good luck hon. i do believe when you least expect it, that someone will find you!
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Ladies...I figure it can't get any worse :)
Emily: nobody warned us about this identity rediscovery, huh?
Care: Glad you enjoyed :)
Tressa: You turned down free raquetball lessons, huh? LOL I'm thinking about that sign.
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Hi! I linked over from Bills blog. First I have to say, you look amazing. Congratulations. Your post today was right on. It is a lot more to deal with than I expected. I am so grateful all of you wonderful people are out there full of support.
Your 'loser' stories are funny, funny! Hang in there.
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Tis sadly true some people like you better when you are unhealthy.
As for seer guy - I thought I had heard of all the pickup lines and angles there were but this one takes the cake and is even new to me!
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Jamie: Thanks for stopping by. This is definitely an entertaining adventure :) You've been doing a great job with your weight loss. Keep up the good work!
Paul: Whenever I see you pop up I think of home and how I need to schedule another visit. I hope you're feeling lots better, and I don't know what mold "seer guy" was made from.
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So much to say! First, great analogy to a 12 step program. So true. I know that you all understand my struggles in becoming someone new. Secondly, that guy is too too funny. A seer? Seriously? He needs to work on his game. And I love your use of the word macking. Too funny. I haven't used that word in so long, and it made me giggle involuntarily! Stay strong, someone right will come along whether you're looking for him or not!