| Thursday, January 05, 2006 |
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The new year is here and I'm finding myself in an interesting place. I haven't really been able to collect myself to journal, and the fact that work has been so busy hasn't helped. I've been working out as usual, two times a day for the most part. I went through hell week which usually makes me snacky, and managed to not to gain any weight, though it would have been nice to show a loss (still hovering in the high 260's). I guess I'm just not on the high I would like to be on. I think I set myself up in my mind to feel like - new year, clean slate. Somehow that hasn't manifested yet, at least mentally. I'm still dealing with last year's crap.
I did a two hour counseling session on the 2nd with the intention to discuss and pray through various issues - processing my reaction to hurtful events of the past. I've taken courses designed to achieve the same result, however, somehow I missed having a lot of personal time. In any case, the more I spoke, the longer the list of things to pray about grew.
I hadn't realized just how much trauma I've endured for having such a strong drive to cope. It's my family's mantra - life happens and you just endure the pain and move on. Com'on...(African-Americans) culturally we've endured so much hardship. We're use to it. Well, while I was busy moving on, I built long lists of people I judged, resented and held unforgiveness for. I vowed to never do a bunch of things (that, of course I ended up doing). After years and years of this, from childhood through adulthood, I grew some pretty deep roots of bitterness and walked with a deep sense of mistrust. I couldn't really hold my heart open to others and my perspective was clouded, especially as it related to how I related to God and who He is. Hence, the angry black woman thing. This came to a climax last year when my daughter began battling health issues. I knew something was very wrong when I began to withdraw from friends, activities and things I'm passionate about. I thought it was just about dealing with my daughter's stuff, but it was about the inner me - the me you can't see.
Somehow in all this I managed to loose weight. I think it was a diversion and because exercising comes with the reward of feeling better (emotionally and physically), I was able to skate for months. Now everything seems to be coming to a new head. Here's a screwy equation to describe it...
Past:
I feel, I eat
I eat, I feel
I feel, I eat.
Today:
I eat (breakfast)
I exercise (before lunch)
I eat (lunch)
At any given point in the day I feel, I think about eating...I battle to deal with what
I'm feeling - sometimes I win, sometimes I don't
I exercise (before dinner)
I eat (dinner)
I feel...same as above
I go to bed
I think exercise has been a mask to deal with my emotions and stress - whatever they are. I feel so good afterward, but I haven't necessarily dealt with the "stuff" of life I need to deal with. The equation is only currently working out because I have a buffer due to working out so much. Now I'm at the place of having to figure out what's going on and really deal with it. It takes a lot more energy to do that. While in the session I felt exhausted - like I'd run a marathon (not that I know what that feels like). This is where I am.
I'm excited about getting free. It takes so much energy to be disgruntled and I'm done with that and ready to sink the same energy into being healthy and fit, happy, joyful and whole. I look forward to being light again. I think I thought with the calendar pages turning, something would change because last year (and all before that) would be behind me. What I've discovered is...I've got a lot more work to do. It's okay. It is what it is. The rewards greatly outway staying the same.
Risking repeating myself...I look forward to having my smile back.
(Note to self: be honest here. The reason you like working out at the gym so much is because of your weakness for looking at beautiful male bodies...and those in the making, not to mention being able to eyeball a certain attractive personal trainer.)
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posted by heavenlydm @ 7:48 AM   |
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| 5 Comments: |
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Wow, Diane. You sound very self-aware. That's great. I know exactly what you mean about using exercise (which is great for you) to run from other things. You have done an amazing job making good changed in your life. It sounds like you are dealing with issues head-on. I admire you for that.
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Emily - it's so easy to hide in exercise and not understand that's what's going on. My ex-sister-in-law did for months prior to telling my brother she wanted a divorce. She was in the gym all the time...in the meanwhile my brother was home with the kids not understanding what was going on. They never really talked things out and things just deteriorated resulting in their break up.
By the way, I hope you've recovered :)
Krista - so glad to see you! I'm in your fan club too!
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Working on our inner selves is always the hardest - but the most rewarding in the end.
Hugs,
Cara
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Ladies, thanks again for your support. Dianna - LOL - it would be fantastic to crave salad. That's hillarious!
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Wow...okay....you just answered my question in this post. That's awesome that you're so disciplined. Keep the faith!
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Wow, Diane. You sound very self-aware. That's great. I know exactly what you mean about using exercise (which is great for you) to run from other things. You have done an amazing job making good changed in your life. It sounds like you are dealing with issues head-on. I admire you for that.