Heavenly Weightlessness

Testify!

2007-01-29T14:07:00.000-05:00

I started the new year with a bang and am in school full time getting my requirements out of the way for my nursing program. It's been so long since I was in college that it was funny looking around the room and thinking - all these students could be my childen! I actually have a professor my daughter took a class from last term. It's pretty kewl. All in all, school is very intriguing for me. I love learning.

Last Thursday I spoke at my church's quarterly women's group meeting and shared my testimony on loosing weight. It was so much fun, especially since it's been a few years since I've been involved with public speaking. I was happy to encourage and blessed to hear stories from other women who have overcome obstacles to better health (notice the NS bears on the podium?). Now I'm ready to move on to the next phase and knocking off these last 80lbs.

Marking the end of this year...

2006-12-11T13:55:00.001-05:00

I went to my church's annual leadership gala which marks the end of another year. When I looked back in comparison to last year's weight and size at this time, I've dropped four sizes, and 45lbs. I wanted more than 45lbs progress for 12 months, but considering the drastic life changes for the last five months...I'll take it! I also realize that this is not a race against time, but the rest of my life I'm dealing with. Slow and steady at this point is a-o-k.

Post-Turkey Day

2006-11-28T19:13:00.000-05:00

So...I had a good week last week, and an okay Thanksgiving. In the scheme of things I maintained over the holiday, and have had quite the discipline since - yeah for me! I'm on hell week, so I'm hoping all doesn't go downhill. I've been nursing my knee since injuring it last week on an odd-angled leg press machine. It really hurt my feelings to have to miss two days of volleyball last week and not being able to anything but cycle, but at my age I'm not going to be silly and ignore what my body is saying.

There's not much else to tell...life is good.

2006-11-12T21:04:00.000-05:00

A pic of me at church today...I still look at myself in pics and have to study them. It's still an adjustment to see myself as I am today, vs. me and the way I visualize myself...the old me - 100lbs heavier. Is that crazy, or what??? I have to look at my face and say..."that's me." I look at my torso and say a grand hallelujah for a smaller "shelf," I don't have Mrs. Clause cheeks hiding my face, arms gouging out from my sides or hips that look like Pat from Saturday Night Live. I'm like - wow...I'm actually growing a shape. There's less of me, and it's real. It's funny that I've been at this for almost two years and I'm still adjusting to the physical changes. I was in the nursery at church a couple weeks ago to see my daughter, and a few kids in the room told her that I was at the door to see her, and she was like...my mom's not here. She didn't even recognize me! Still crazy after all these years.

I've discovered No Pudge low fat brownie mix....OMG! Delish! And...they were nice enough to give a recipe for single servings that can conveniently be made in the microwave. Can't beat that...yum.

I'm still jumping through mental hoops, but heading in the right direction. It was a good week, and I'm looking forward to what lies ahead.

Thanks for all your love folks.

2006-11-09T17:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I've done the very thing I hate...fallen off the blog wagon. It's not so much that my real life is so busy or interesting. Somewhere in all the transition I lost the desire to maintain my blog, and poured my heart out into my journal.

I've been learning a lot about me...
There are some things I didn't know about myself relationally that I learned by dating UT (my first attempt at romance in 11 years). I gained and lost an adored friend in a short period of time, and it ripped my heart to shreds. There are some things I've done that I never thought I'd do...definite no-no's, that I've had to recover from (emotionally and spiritually).
I've reconciled some desires, and realized a few dreams, and in all that I've yo-yo'd on the same five pounds and have finally come to the place where enough is enough. I've got clothes in the closet that are a size smaller than I am now that I want to fit into (dang nabbit). I've got health goals that I want to realize. I've got a list of things I want to accomplish that require me to press on. Lastly, I've discovered I can live in a world of fitness without being a gym whore!

I've missed everybody and felt the joy of your successes and the sadness of your disappointments. I'm attempting to crawl back into my skin and get back into the thick of things. The problem is...everything has changed! Everyone else's worlds have changed. How do I pick up the pieces and regain my spot in our circle of friends (that has morphed)? HELP!

It's a Brand New Day!

2006-10-05T09:58:00.000-04:00

I thought my life was like a carousel ride before, spinning and spinning with me waiting for it to stop and to land my feet on solid ground. Well, that was just in relation to weight loss. Over the past month my whole life has been under construction, with a change in jobs, ministry, romance, school and moving. There were weeks when I cried almost every day for being overwhelmed by so many changes in such a short timeframe. For six weeks my eating habits were in the toilet because I lost my regular patterns for not working. I still exercised, but ate tons of my favorite snacks - mostly carbs of course. I think at one point I gained five pounds in a week, but was able to take it off by the next weigh in. I didn't know which way was up.

Today I am much more grounded, though still stabilizing emotionally. I have a great arrangement for a job, working for missionaries to Costa Rica, which has been like a dream. I have no big expenses (rent/mortgage/utilities, etc.) and it's beyond what I could have prayed for. My days are peaceful, with lots of time for relaxation (I'm now getting aquainted with deck life and hammock lounging), walks and exercise, and a writing project I'm about to undertake. I won't be in school until January, which gives me plenty of time to get the rest of my life under wraps and make progress on personal projects. Life is good.

Thanks to all you folks who left notes for me. I'm still here and still loosing bits of me.

Blessings!

When you least expect it...a loss!

2006-08-28T17:16:00.000-04:00

I had a GREAT weekend, and it was especially nice to get on the scale this afternoon and see I've lost another 2lbs. I can't believe it in light of eating a few naughty things last weekend with UT. I'm just sitting here thinking...I've finally reached the blesssssed 100lb milestone!!!! YIPEEEEEEEEE! I've continued doing the 3-5 mile trecks around the park in the mornings, and am still doing a few weeknights at the gym. I'm too cheap to allow too much time to go buy without getting to the gym...lol.

My sister is visiting with my nephew, and I'm acutely aware of how much of a bachelorette me and my daughter are...I'm thinking they're very unhappy right about now, and we still have a week to go!

So... the undertaker is a younger man (three years my senior) and quite credentialed in ministry - having formerly been an associate pastor. He's divorced with a son who's in his first year of college. Dark and mysterious looking...he's kind and generous, has an amazing sense of humor that I find refreshing, and we have quite a few like- passions in common. We've been talking by phone since the first day we met online, and have come into an intense liking of each other :). I told him early about my weight loss endeavors, which was kind of funny but inconsequential. He does likes what he seeeees...lol...and can't believe I was over 300lbs before. I find it funny when people can't imagine you any other way than they see you now. He happens to have an average build, and since talking to me has grown a renewed interest in working out and achieving fitness. He walks a lot, and our visits have encompassed scenic walks around Alabama lakes and up Georgia mountain trails. Talk about cheap dates! :) He's investigating schools in Atlanta and looking to transfer here in January. I'm psyched! Anywho, there's a little info for those who've been wondering.

M.I.A.

2006-08-22T11:43:00.000-04:00

I've been out-of-pocket for a little bit, recovering from loosing my job a couple weeks ago. It was such a blessing in disguise as I was planning on looking for a new job this fall, and the events that transpired just accelerated my plans. I'm going to work for an outreach ministry to Costa Rica and am very excited about it, and will also be going back to school for nursing, hopefully full-time. It's amazing how God works out everything for the good and takes what appears to be negative and turns it into the biggest blessings. He's the greatest.

I've been maintaining during this time, which is funny because I always thought more freedom with my time throughout the day would allow me to do more in the fitness arena. On the contrary, the routine has changed and I'm having to work out new routines to suit my schedule. My primary mode of exercise these days is walking 3-5 miles every morning. I've been doing evening workouts at the gym a couple days a week as well.

So...in a weird coincidence...UT got laid off a few days after me, so we both are going through the same transitions. How freak is that??? LOL This is not a layoff from undertaking...lol...which he does part-time. Nope, still handling those dead bodies...lol. We will be connecting again this weekend, and I'm SO excited. Perhaps once this weekend passes, I'll spill some beans. I'm such a tease, I know...lol.

I've been missing my regular round of blog reading and hope to get back on track soon.

Happy 2'sday!

Sorry...not spilling the beans

2006-08-09T10:06:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good weekend and great visit with my sister. I've been particularly vulnerable with the "hell week" eaties, but it's only temporary and I will not be denied a loss! I've been so emotionally sensitive for the past two weeks (PMS and then...the blessed-cursed week...LOL) that I'm holding on to these merry-go-round rails for dear life. It's the usual...changes-changes-changes and life.

I'm not sure I can spill the beans on UT as of yet - be patient with me folks :).

I've been tagged {The player of this game starts with "Five weird things/habits about yourself". In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their five weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag five more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog}, so here are five weird things about me:

1) I sleep with/on at least four to five pillows every night...lol. I just can't lay flat.

2) If I have a cup of milk and someone wants a sip, I can't drink after them (only milk).

3) I can walk through a store (any kind), fill a shopping cart, and leave without
buying a single thing. I like shopping and don't actually have to buy...lol

4) I don't touch bathroom door knobs after I've washed my hands - they have to be handled with the paper towel I've dried my hands with or if there are none I manuever with something else. NO...I don't have OCD...LOL

5) When I have a favorite movie, I can watch it (or it watches me if I fall asleep to it) over and over and over for days. My latest...Something New and Pride and Prejudice. I've seen Love and Basketball, The Patriot and Braveheart so many times I should know the lines by now.

I'm tagging Bob...the only person who doesn't appear to have been tagged yet...LOL!

Sweet home Alabama?

2006-08-04T07:31:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday I met "The Undertaker" (U.T.) in person, having an afternoon rendez-vouz at a lake in Alabama. It was quite beautiful, and I was especially taken by the covered bridge which was relocated from its original location. We have several beautiful ones in Georgia that have been restored, one not far from my home. This one is pine and was erected in 1850.

I noticed the honeycombs right away and thought them noteworthy.

I found the trip to Alabama one of great contemplation and reflection. I was suddenly aware of the south and all my biases against it, especially for places like Alabama and Arkansas. You see, in my mind nothing good came from Alabama...and nobody worth taking notice of is from there or lives there. It's kind of like what was said about Nazareth in the bible (nothing good comes from there - even though Jesus lived there...lol). Anywho, I became really convicted and repentant about judgements I made in the past and biases about the south and people from the south. Here are a few...1) it's backwards (slow as all hell), 2) the people are slow and ignorant (especially evident in the southern twang of their speech...for God sakes, what intelligent person can't pronounce Coca Cola (co-cola in southernese)? 3) everyone is racist, black, white and other (and every caucasian has some confederate flag - hidden or visible...we won the war guys!) 4) everybody eats unhealthy food, 5) republican up the wazoo 6)no culture (outside of the traditional southern-hick one) 7) creator and perpetuator of the trailer park...I could go on and on.

We walked several miles around this beautiful lake, and I really took in the imagery, especially liking the view of the surrounding mountains. No pics of "UT"...a story for some other time, but I will say - great chemistry.

I had a tough pms week - I always give myself seven days of grace...calling it out to my family members so they'll know why my alter-ego has appeared. Anywho, I had several nights of Quaker cheese flavored snack mix and white chili (yum) and consequently I had a slight fluctuation upward. I'm actually not sure how real this is seeing as I worked my butt off in the gym, but I'll wait it out until after hell week is over to figure out where I am. No official weigh in for two weeks. I can actually see a consistent pattern now of loosing, fluctuating up or maintaining, and then letting go of the water weight. Since February I'm loosing an average of 3-5lbs a month, which I decided I'll gladly take. It took some getting use to initially, but I'm seeing so much progress with my body that I'm content.

My sister is visiting from Boston this weekend so I'm excited about having a great family visit.

Happy Weekending!

Heavenly hump day

2006-07-26T13:55:00.000-04:00

You guys are so generous with your support, praise and encouragement - thank you! I had another fab week, another 2lbs down bringing me to -90lbs...hallelujah! I'm doing the same ol'- same ol'. I had a great week at the gym and did a good job at not being a gym whore, or at least as much of one as I used to be. I've been doing some outdoor walking in addition to what I'm doing in the gym, which is phenomenal to me because I use to run from the summer temps. I'm guessing that the decrease in size has made a difference in my stamina and heat tolerance. I've also been enjoying the walks because I can pray and think about life.

I'm a little sad my daughter has lost some momentum with her summer work schedule and issues of life and hope she's encouraged to continue on by my progress. She's still rooting me on.

A couple of you wondered about my OD (not a disease or overdose, but online dating). All is well...I've taken a short rest to allow "the undertaker" to simmer on the front burner (and to take a break from some of the wacky people I've been meeting). So, yes, he is still in the picture and making great progress. Today is our one month OD anniversary...lol.

With renewed focus I press forward.

Pics are after sitting for 10 hours of braiding.

Happy hump-day.

P.S...I think I stumbled upon Jan's and Barry's secret...awesome! Wow!

TGIF

2006-07-21T08:49:00.000-04:00

I'm here! I'm here! LOL

I've been doing pretty well (thank God!). I've had my post-hell week let down and released another 2 lbs (thank God again!). It seems that I really lost focus for a bit, mostly just trying to navigate the issues of life and struggling with 1200 calories a day. I still feel like I'm on a merry-go-round of change, but have decided to take life by the horns. The grace of God and renewed determination brought back the control and discipline I need, and has freed me from releasing frustration and expressing my emotions through eating in the last few weeks. Away with the old habits!

The other day I went through the clearance racks of a local store and found a lovely designer dress at a fraction of the cost. The best thing about it was the way it fit...I'm on the cusp of another size change, and that feels good. Each time I move down a size it's still unbelievable. Even as I look at other women around me I can't believe I'm the same size or smaller than they are. I was looking at a picture of myself taken last August and can't believe I was ever the size/weight I was, and can see how miserable I was cloaked in fat. I'm so grateful for the health revolution going on in my life.

Here are some pics of me and some friends at church a couple weekends ago.

2006-07-06T08:46:00.000-04:00

My one year NS anniversary came and went without a lot of hoopla. I'm happy about 85lbs lost, dropping five sizes and feeling like a new person - all in a year. I gained 4lbs somehow a week or so ago, and am just getting back to 241. I say somehow, but I ate without discipline so I know how.

I had a pretty good fourth, spent it with friends relaxing in the pool and playing cards and dominos. It was so good to catch up. I'd so like to have a vacation this summer but it looks like all bets are off until Hawaii in November. My sisters should be coming to visit next month, and I'll settle for that. It sucks being away from the shore and being able to look out on the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico. Sigh...I must get to the beach soon. I'm SO jealous of Bob!

I strained my pecs somehow last Monday while working on some chest flies with 15lb weights. It sucks because my left side has an itchy-burning sensation every once in a while, and I have to ice it. What a sight it is with me walking around a predominantly male office with an ice pack on my "shelf" coming out of my shirt. Whatever...LOL.

Online dating is moving along. I've had someone tell me the loved and missed me after exchanging emails for five days LOL - I know, I'm SO hot right now (Zoolander)..LOL, and the best connection I've made so far has been with someone I call "the undertaker." ROFL. This guy is a case manager who is a part-time mortician. We've talked by phone a lot and somehow the "dead people" thing hasn't creeped me out. Maybe that's how peculiar I am! I'm finding out just how shallow I am in the process of weeding through solicitations. Boy is this fun!

Cruising and loosing this summer...

Slow week

2006-06-23T09:02:00.000-04:00

I don't have too much to report this week. I showed a 2lb loss last week that looks like I'm maintaining this week...lol. I got an NSV Wednesday: a gym friend told me she's noticing how my muscles are developing after she said how great I'm looking and guessed that I've dropped five sizes. I took it as a great compliment coming from her svelte frame.

It's been a rough workout week. I got hit in the face and body several times by a very stinging volleyball, and I'm nursing my right knee for some reason and am going to give it a little rest. I'm still loving the bike but trying to vary up the workouts so I'm not doing the same thing all the time.

I finally took the plunge and have joined the online dating crowd. I must say that it has great entertainment value alone.

And that's it from this side of the world.

Week 50

2006-06-14T12:22:00.000-04:00

Wowwwwa...it's so fantastic to have been able to be at this for 50 weeks. In 50 weeks I have divorced fried foods - especially chicken, subs, extra-cheesie pizza of any variety, soda, juice, cake, pie, brownies and cookies, candy, mayonaise, butter, margarine...Quarter Pounders with cheese, Whoppers, Church's/Popeye's Chicken, Taco Bell, China Wok's egg rolls, shrimp fried rice and crab rangoon...oil, oil, oil - fat, fat, fat - empty calories...and the list goes on. Gone are the days of sitting and eating a full-size bag of chips or cookies in front of the tele. I'm no longer sitting in a restaurant downing a loaf of bread while waiting for the food to arrive. In 50 weeks I am happier about how I feel and happier about how I look and happier with some of the decisions I'm making. I'm looking forward to the next 50 weeks. It's still sometimes surreal.

As I approach my anniversary I dump the notion that I will be at my 100lb loss goal (I'll be somewhere in the neighborhood though), but embrace the new me that has emerged and is well on her way to the ultimate goal. Today I celebrate me (and the hopes that one day my shoulders, pecs and biceps will look remotely like this - I hope to look so good at 48!...)

Walking in the rain

2006-06-06T08:22:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was a blast, and I attended the best church picnic ever. There were kiddie attractions, tournaments, food galore and hundreds and hundreds of people there. I ate the best bbq...pulled chicken and pork and a little bit of baked beans - yum. I hadn't seen many folks in years, so of course I had to go through the motions of how much I've changed outwardly. It was nice. Our church is unique in that, although we have a couple thousand members, we have seven services and in essence seven mini-churches within the whole so that people can feel connected. I once attended a large church in Metro Atlanta that boasted more than 20,000 members. When I went for worship it felt more like an arena than church because of all the people there, the multi-media presentations and the concert-like worship experience. It works for some, and while it was all grand, it was very overwhelming - especially as a new attendee. In any case, I had to find somewhere I wouldn't get lost in the mix and where somebody would miss me if I wasn't around. I love my church, I love the people, and I love the idea that if I have a conflict, I have six other options for attendance on the weekend. With all that said, we celebrated the church's 20th anniversary. Though my teams didn't win the tournaments, we are still champions :).

I've had a great time with exercise within the past few days as I got to switch things up a bit because of the volleyball tournament. One of my biggest accomplishments for the weekend was being persistent about taking a walk in the park. The sky was crackling with thunder and the threat of rain, but I decided to do it anyway, and instead of doing a quicking mile I did three (in the rain). I found that quite rewarding and my body felt like I hadn't done anything at all and could have kept going. That was great.

I've managed to slip downward into another size - hallelujah - yeah - yippe doooooo! It sort of came out of nowhere and was a nice surprise. The icing on that was a two pound loss for last week, bringing the total to -84lbs. By the way my heart feels you'd think I lost five or eight pounds. I feel so good about the scale moving again, so inspired, and I'm gonna ride the feeling out (because we all know feelings come and go). I've been trying to visualize myself down a few more sizes, and it's so foreign. I guess I'll have to see it when I get there. In the meantime, hi-ho....

Ahhhhh....summer!

2006-06-01T07:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, the summer unofficially began on Memorial Day but it has officially begun in my heart. I can't magnify enough what it means to have such a variety of fresh fruit available in so many splendid colors, shapes and scents. Last Sunday I went to a bbq and brought a fruit salad full of berries and watermelon, and have been eating the remnant ever since. Every time I eat it I feel like I've won a prize. It's probably because I know I'm eating healthy and the fruits that are in season now are the healthiest. Ahhhhhhh. Who ever thought fruit would be such a big deal?

I squeaked out two pounds last week, which is officially four pounds for the month. It was a weird month with having things stall causing me to go back to the table and evaluate any vulnerable areas. I ended up having to go back to twice a day workouts, however, what I'm doing is not as grueling as before. My lunch workout consists of 15-20 minutes on a bike (my new workout diversion) usually topped off by 10 minutes walking on the track. The evening workouts are the same, mostly strength classes or more cardio. I have varied my routine so I'm not doing the same things every day/week. I hated having to double up again but hopefully I'll be able to adjust soon. I've got just four weeks left before I reach my one year NS anniversary and I'm excited about the progress so far.

The most difficult thing about last month was trying to adjust from 1500 cals to 1200 a day. Com'on...that's nothing! LOL I honestly couldn't see how people are doing it. I still haven't fully made the transition but have juggled things up enough to make an impact. It made me take a look at myself and the facts...I still love food and though I don't eat as much as I did before, I hate the restriction when it comes to things I love. So, I'm contending with deprivation. I'm not talking about having something every now and then...I'm talking about my new found love for: movie popcorn (I go to the local cinema just to buy it and not watch a movie), Clif Bars, sugar-free gummy bears and worms from Fuzziwig's Candy Store...who can resist the candy store???

I'm going to have to work out a rotation of treats so I can have them whenever I'd like without going off the beaten path. The ol' pootsies alone (from the malitol or sorbitol and whatever else is in the sugar-free stuff) isn't enough to keep me abay.

And now for the tale of my quest for discount higher-end running sneakers (an oxymoron, I know). I drove to five DSW stores between Saturday and Sunday to save $50 (add'l 50-70% off). You're probably thinking the amount of gas I burned really didn't bring any savings at all, but gas is a company perk for me so I'm blessed to not have to consider it. Besides that, since my original babies were stolen - okay...left behind at the gym and promptly taken by the finder - I had to make up for that somehow. Anywho, to my surprise every store had what I was looking for in either a half to full size too small, or two sizes too big. How frustrating. I finally had the revelation to go to the outlets and found not one pair, but two for for the price of one. I am the winner (and my feet are absolutely happy)!!!

I'm gearing up for a basketball and volleyball tournament this weekend at church and have been talked up by many who are participating. It's kind of kewl to have celebrity status due to my new fitness level. I hope to have lots of fun (and live up to all the hype).

Living Like There's no Tomorrow

2006-05-22T13:55:00.000-04:00

I had an unoriginal epiphany while watching a sappy Queen Latifah romantic comedy Last Holiday yesterday: live today like there's no tomorrow. The main character is diagnosed with some fatal disease and given three weeks to live. From that point forward she lived like there was no tomorrow which basically for her meant putting aside all of her fears and pursuing tomorrow's dreams today.

When we hear the phrase living like there's no tomorrow it usually has a negative connotation - living to the excess. But I started thinking, if I could eat like there was no tomorrow every day, that would mean I'd be as close to 100% as possible - not thinking I would eat and work things off the next day. I would think about the consequences of my actions today in light of how they will affect me today. I'd ask myself questions like: should I eat more of this knowing it may take me over my caloric intake for the day, make me feel sluggish, interrupt my regularity or take me to the opposite extreme (the laxative effect of those daggone sugar-free candies when you eat enough...I know - T.M.I)? I'd be spared the task. I'd like to think I'd nourish me for today, one meal at a time.

On the relationship front, I'd handle my business in such a way that there wouldn't be any loose ends. I'd be held to a higher standard to love more openly, forgive more quickly, and be more generous. My goal in life is to bounce my last check...give away every earthly thing I have because I won't be able to take it with me when I die. I'd live today in such a way to demonstrate the legacy I want to leave behind, not taking anything for granted in uncompromised integrity. I'd make sure those I love know I love them, and give them my utmost attention and respect - giving them their flowers while they're alive.

I thought about all of the things I see as hinderances to me doing things I want to do, being who I want to be, or going where I want to go...and thought - this is ridiculous. My mindset is keeping me captive and I must break free. I think people make a lot of their own obstacles in the form of excuses. Perspective.

Lastly, I'd constantly be true to myself. I loved how this character was herself at all times, never trying to be anyone else or doing things to fit in. Her personal truth was refreshing in light of the pretentiousness of others. My personal mantra continues to be "I have nothing to prove" - though at times I have to say it more loudly to myself.

We all have a choice: embrace life today or put it off until the perennial tomorrow (when I'm thinner, healthier, more successful, more ________(fill in the blank). I'm choosing today.

Always count your change

2006-05-19T13:50:00.000-04:00

Change, change and more change...change...and more change...ughhhhh...change.
Does anybody have any change?
Does anybody want some change?
'Cause I've got some spare change - change to spare.
Jingling change.

My body is changing and the changes are changing me,
And the change that's changing me - is changing me.
My life is changing.
Ugh. I'm tired. I'm tired of change.
It's everywhere, I mean everywhere.
Everywhere I look, there's change.

And dang...while this merry-go-round goes round and round,
My head is twirling and spinning and I'm longing for the ground,
Some ground that's not moving,
A place that's not changing,
A place I can rest from the change and the changes that the change has changed.
Things change.
Things have changed.
I have changed.
I'm being changed.
Can I get a witness?
Things are changing.

I sit and sigh and wonder why I sit on this familiar peak, looking out at orange oceans and fuscia skys wondering what world I'm in.
I mean, when did I sign up for this alternate universe?
Who said change?
I think I signed up for "different"...but the receipt I got said "change."
And I ask...now who ordered that???

As I count my change my perpective takes a spin,
And as I look at the body I'm in,
Things get complicated...
As my body wrestles with my soul and the issues of ol',
Things begin to subside.

Well why the round and round then?

Because I've started a new life,
I chose this one instead of going under the knife,
There's no haste, only daily death,
Death to the old ways, the end of my love affair with Lays...
No more rendez-vous with the closest drive thru,
I have a new love and I'm singing the NS blues.
Saying out with the old, in with the new.

As the old me shrinks down and dies,
Before the new me emerges my heart cries and cries...
I stare Change in the face and yell...stop - right here - no more...Change!

But I can't.
That's not what I asked for.

I signed up for "different," wanting a better life.
I didn't know I'd answered a proposal, yes Change, I'll be your wife.
And so it is. I've committed to change. I'm married to change.
I am Mrs. Change.

The honeymoon is over.
I love and hate....change.

The merry month of May

2006-05-15T08:20:00.000-04:00

It was a delightful weekend full of rest, relaxation and lots of laughs. For the first time I can remember, Mother's Day and my daughter's birthday didn't fall on the same weekend/day and I didn't have to take a back seat. Yeah for me :). I received a beautiful card, sugarfree candy and gift certificate. I was quite gassy last night from having eaten so many gummy worms and bears - my favorites.

Life is very different now that my daughter now has her driver's license and car on the road, so I'm out and about alone. I'm at the beginning stages of empty nest syndrome - even though she still lives with me (and says she will forever - URGH! LOL). That had me thinking about my chauffeur schedule being retired, and the time I'll have to do other things (with other people). I'm acutely aware that I have an opportunity to get a life :). What my daughter and I both realized was how blessed we are that we like each other. So many kids at her age are desperately trying to get as far away from their parents as possible, and we're actually great friends. I do try to help her understand that she will desire to have her own life and family one day - without me living in the in-laws suite as she suggests. I suppose this is the result of only having one child and nursing her...lol.

On the food front I had a good week (minus yesterday). My body is still evolving and I'm happy with the changes. One thing I noticed is the illusion that I have a waist now, which has come about because of shaping up my chest and shoulders. This process of reshaping the body has its ups and downs - downs because from day to day, week to week, your body just keeps morphing. Ups because things eventually settle down, or at least stay long enough for you to get a glimpse of your potential outcome. I now enjoy taking strength classes and watching my muscle forms as I lift, flex and extend. Sometimes it's a "wowing" experience. There's so much to look forward to.
I need to do an official weigh in at some point...haven't checked in for two weeks now.

NSV highlight of the week: Friday night I was in the nursery at church and someone I hadn't seen for a long time cornered me, and almost in embarassment asked me if I'd lost weight. I replied yes. She then drew in closer and whispered...a lot of weight? I'm like, yes. She was like, wow, you look great. She then asked me how I did it. I love telling people about the grace of God to eat right and exercise. Her reaction was so funny to me. I suppose she could have thought it may have been from sickness or having it surgically removed or something...lol. The compliments keep coming, and I'm so much better able to take them now. In fact, they inspire me to keep going.

Here are some pics I took with my daughter and sister on their collective birthday weekend.

Happy Monday!

Weekend Off Plan

2006-05-09T13:21:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I went way off the beaten path (missed five days at the gym and ate things I usually wouldn't) and enjoyed my daughter's birthday party, and my sister's birthday two days later. It was nice to be free to do that without feeling like a failure or a bad person. I gave myself a pass, and now I'm back on plan. The party was a great success Friday night. I had the most fun hosting "Let's Make a Deal." I had several adults say they'd love for me to give them a party, and the younger folk say how much they enjoyed themselves. In fact, it was such a hit that the word passed around church. Most importantly, my daughter had fun. Yay, that's over now...whew!

I'm now having to reckon with hair loss, and it's not making me feel great. My hair is one of my favorite things I like, and it was already thinning with age. Over the past few months I've seen a noticeable difference in how much I'm loosing, so much so that I'm thinking of giving up chemical relaxers and going natural (a big deal for colored folks). I thought I was going to be an exception and not have to deal with this by-product of weight loss....sigh. There are so many little things like this that are tied into our identity and how we perceive ourselves. Who'd have thought it would be such a big deal? It is to me. Would I trade a few hairs for losing weight? Absolutely...lol.

Status Quo

2006-05-04T09:07:00.000-04:00

I've been thoroughly consumed in 21st birthday party planning, so I've been maintaining status quo. I've been working out because I've had to with the stress of this week...endorphins are my friend. I don't know how people regularly entertain. There are so many details to take care of. Today I'm finally to the point where the stress has moved to excitement...you only turn 21 once.

Remember 21???

I replaced my fake ID I used since I was 19 with a real one.

I was at the local club at least three nights a week and was quite promiscuous.

I worked and was in school.

I had a two year old who was in her terrible two's.

My daughter's dad died.

I was lost in my ideals...why couldn't we all get along?

I was an instrument tech in a hospital o.r.

I hated school.

I was about a size 20, athletic with beautiful skin, a great smile, flat stomach and perky twins.

I was very angry about a lot of things.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

When I was 21....Big News Headlines of 1987

Wall Street crashes sending the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeting a record 508 points-22.6%.

President Reagan and Soviet Leader Gorbachev meet in Washington and sign an unprecedented missile reduction agreement.

Televangelist Jim Bakker resigns amid accusations of sexual infidelity and financial impropriety.

Wall Street financier Ivan Boesky is sentenced to three years in prison in an insider-trading scandal.

Gary Hart withdraws from the 1988 presidential campaign under accusations of infidelity.

Sports Champions of 1987

MLB - Minnesota Twins
NFL - New York Giants
NBA - Los Angeles Lakers
NHL - Edmonton Oilers

Grammy Award Winners in 1987

Record of the Year - "Graceland" by Paul Simon
Album of the Year - "The Joshua Tree" by U2
Song of the Year - "Somewhere Out There" by L.Ronstadt & J.Ingram

Movie Award Winners in 1987

Best Picture - The Last Emperor
Best Director - Bernardo Bertolucci for “The Last Emperor”
Best Actress - Cher in “Moonstruck”
Best Actor - Michael Douglas in “Wall Street”

Top Grossing Movies of 1987

#1 Three Men and a Baby
#2 Fatal Attraction
#3 Beverly Hills Cop 2
#4 Good Morning, Vietnam
#5 Moonstruck

#1 Hits of 1987 (USA Pop Charts)

Song Title	Artist/Group
I Think We're Alone Now	Tiffany
Shake You Down	Gregory Abbott
Always	Atlantic Starr
Livin' on a Prayer	Bon Jovi
Jacob's Ladder	Huey Lewis & The News
(I've Had) The Time of my Life	Bill Medley w/Jennifer Warnes
Lean on Me	Club Nouveau
(I Just) Died in Your Arms	Cutting Crew
I Knew You Were Waiting (for me)	Aretha Franklin w/George Michael
La Bamba	Los Lobos
Open Your Heart	Madonna
Who's That Girl	Madonna
Mony Mony (live)	Billy Idol
Bad	Michael Jackson
I Just Can't Stop Loving You	Michael Jackson w/Siedah Garrett
Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now	Starship
Faith	George Michael
Alone	Heart
Head to Toe	Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
Lost in Emotion	Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
Shakedown	Bob Segar & the Silver Bullet Band
I Wanna Dance With Somebody (who loves me)	Whitney Houston
Didn't We Almost Have it All	Whitney Houston
Here I Go Again	Whitesnake
You Keep Me Hanging On	Kim Wilde
With or Without You	U2
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For	U2
At This Moment	Billy Vera and the Beaters
Heaven is a Place on Earth	Belinda Carlisle

Whatever Way It Comes

2006-04-28T08:04:00.000-04:00

The scale hasn't moved for a couple weeks since dropping the monthly water weight, and rather than get all twisted about it I decided to measure myself. Boy am I pleased. In the last month alone I have dropped a size, so I know things are happening. In addition, I have pulled back a little from my twice a day workouts to avoid overuse and injury, so I expected to have a little adjustment period. Anywho, here's how things have changed since last July:

Waist: -12 inches

Breast: -11 inches

Hips: -6.5 inches

Thighs: -5 inches

Calves: -2.5 inches

Arms: -3.5 inches

Neck: -2.5 inches

Wrist: -1.25 inches

Holy wow Batman...I've lost 44.5 inches! This month alone I lost a half inch to an inch in most places. I'll take a loss whatever way it comes, and this week it's in inches.

Changing Times

2006-04-25T15:34:00.000-04:00

Who likes change? Raise your hand. Anyone?

I've discovered that as difficult as it has been for me to handle my own changes, others around me say they they love the way I look, but I'm sure they're finding it difficult to accept that there's a new internal me as well. I mean jeesh...I don't need food to process my emotions or to mask what I'm feeling anymore. Things are out there, and because I'm not communicating through food anymore my feelings, opinions and responses are a bit more immediate and decisive. That's not so nice when it conflicts with my former way of relating and dealing. That calls for other people to change (their expectations), and that has to be negotiated. Folks really don't have a clue what's going on, and that requires great patience on the part of we loosers. I think we have to go the extra mile to keep the bridges running between "us" and "them" because we're the ones going through this and only we can articulate what's going on. It seems funny, but we're a bit like the 12-step community...the insiders have the inside track on the changes, emotions and snags of a looser's life and nobody else appropriately understands what it's like to be us but one of our own. It's like surviving a trauma or recovering from addiction...we have that rollercoaster of emotions, pain, trial, sorrow, sacrifice, overcoming and victory in common.

I've just been more acutely aware of how much my personality has changed...all my reasons for doing what I do are driven from a different place - a healthy place. Each day the point is reasserted: I have nothing to prove. Pleasing others is not the priority. Will others let me be me? Will they make space and allowances for me to change? Are they truly interested in me and my wholeness or is it really about them and how I can be better suited for them? I'm not angry or frustrated about this...just a little disappointed when I see how some liked it better when I was a lot less healthy. Interesting.
....................................................................................
Yesterday while at the gas station I was sprawled on all fours, butt in the air, trying to change a fuse in my car. I wondered how long it would take for someone to walk by and offer assistance. When they finally did here's how it went.

Setting: 8:45pm at a local gas station/mini-mart next to several low income apartment complexes in a "transitional" neighborhood.

Young man: Hey, you need help or something?

Me: Well, I'm trying to change a fuse and I'm not able to find it the way it's mapped on this paper.

Young man: Oh. You single?

Me: (laughing) I've got to figure out this fuse thing (thinking...you've got to be kidding me - and...halllllo....didn't you just ask me if I needed help? remember that?)

Young man: So, you single?

Me: (still laughing)

A few days ago at the gym...I'm at the gym in the whirlpool. It's as hot as I can ever remember - steam coming off the water - making the whole area a bit sultry for someone who's mind may wander off to provocative places. There's this guy I've avoided talking to for the last six months - only spoken with him twice at which time he made the inquiries (do you have a boyfriend, etc.). Well, I guess it was his time to inquire again. My heart was really to be kind and gracious...something I'm working on in every day life. For 15 minutes I listened to him tell me how he's what old school folks call a "seer." My eyebrows went up in the air...and I said - "seer...what do you mean (I know the term, I just wondered how he was using it)." He told me how he has the ability to see into people's hearts, and he likes to talk with folks and make deposits in them, leaving them with something more (direction, wisdom, clarity, hope) than they had before. Had he not had a lust problem he might have had a little more credibility with me. Five minutes before I had to listen to how much he loves full body massages, especially when they massage his butt (yes, I was thinking...this guy's a freak). Blah, blah, blah...I"m 59, retired principal working as a teacher so I can earn a second pension, blah, blah, blah (his credentials,
flah-flah-flah).

Well, I get to the point when I'm leaving the wet area - I'm done wiping the
sweat from my eyes and look like a soaked poodle - there's nothing sexy about this scene...lol - everybody's looking whipped due to the high temps. Because he's "macking" harder than usual I know what's next and I'm wondering how he's going to approach it. He lays it on (you have a beautiful smile, blah, blah, blah)...I'd like to get together over salads, I'd love to talk more with you. I thought...now I've never heard that one before. Coffee, yes. Salad?
Original. LOL. I'm wondering this whole time why this guy can't have a
normal conversation with me like he does with all the other people. He's
never talked about the Lord, only upon my initiation, and we only went there
this time because I brought Him up. Ughhh - now I'm thinking he's altered
his game to suit me. He then goes on to say he doesn't think God wants me
to do this whole "fitness thing" but wants me to talk to people (like this
freak???? Can I translate that into meaning I've worked my way to the right
size for him now?). My "pat" responses to his whole conversation
were..."that's interesting." And, hmmmm. So I told him we'll see, to which
he responded that he's already seen it (seeing as he's a seer...lol). You
think he's seen me NOT going out for salad?

Did I really loose 80 lbs to put up with this crap??? It was amusing at first, but not on the regular. (Affirming myself...I am not a looser magnet, I am not a looser magnet...LOL).

Metamorphasis

2006-04-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

It's strange to me how much a body can change from one month to another, one week to another. I just posted about my new love for my legs the other day, and upon last examination someone hijacked those lovely ladies and left me with a jiggly set of loaners. That's so funny to me that it - I actually grieved over the loss. I realized that my body will be ever changing over the next year or so as I continue to take the weight off and shape up, and then snapped out of it. If nothing else, I had a preview of what's to come. You'd think our bodies would tire from all the shifting.

Oh lustrious legs...I command thee to rest in your longest, leanest state...finely cut and chiseled, not to mention the cheeks to look down on you and smile. Gluteus...all I've got to say is...conform. Get with it. You're always on the move, but these days it's all about discipline. No more of the shakes, getting all out of control. I've never been one to use restraints on you, except for special occasions, so respect that. And since I'm talking to my body, boobies...figure out what you're going to do as well. I give you permission to be perky like you once were (PERK UP!!!). Afterall, I'm not working those pecs for nothing. And triceps, you need to fall in with the rest and follow suit with the plan. I am giving you lots of attention, so you shouldn't feel neglected at all. Snap out of it (the fat, nun's arms coma) and stand at attention. Biceps, you're doing a great job in this renovation. Shoulders, you become more beautiful with each passing day, and thanks for letting me see those collar bones I've been missing for so many years. Oh traps and lats, you're coming right along. Keep up the good work. Now body beautiful, I love you. In the words of Jerry Maguire please, help me - help you. (With all the passion in me...) Help me - help you!

Oh yeah...if you're dying for some inspiration, check out Tressa's progress pics. Daaaaaaaaaang! That girl has done something awesome with herself.

I've knocked off the menstrual weight I usually retain and am cooking with gas. My body has stopped it's carb-craving frenzy, and things are under control. It's funny how much of a rollercoaster ride the journey is from week to week, day to day. I'm all nice and fatigued from my strength class last night and hours of volleyball, but I feel great. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I've got plenty to do these days with planning my daughter's 21st birthday party (sniff-sniff, the baby's all grown up), so I'll be running around trying to get all my ducks in a row. Such is my life.

Surviving Easter

2006-04-17T13:53:00.000-04:00

I did it! I survived Easter with not so much as one piece of candy, chocolate, or gratuitous carb. Okay, truth be told, I did eat biscotti, but stayed well within the confines of the plan. That felt great. Somehow yesterday was the same as every other Sunday, minus the unconventional resurrection day drama at church. The thing that struck me is how the bible stands up to the test of time, and confirms itself over and over every day. Sometimes when I read it I'm in awe of how relevant it is - how my life is in it. Amazing. In my current reality I journaled quite a bit as I'm acutely aware of how much the weight loss and associated periffery are very much changing who I am and how I interract with the world, and I want to stay in touch with myself.

I bought a couple of nice, springy capris on Saturday, and I'm still having the problem of not being able to tell by eyesight what I can fit and what I can't. My mind needs to catch up with my body. I'm still happily shrinking. No loss to report this week as I'm in the crazy recovery time - post "hell week." We'll see how things shake out. I hope to be very aggressive with being 100% and working out wisely. Last week was another hard week on the feet, so I took a few nights off to recouperate. This week I'll be back in form.

A pure NSV...a woman who had her stomach stapled more than a year ago stopped me in the hall at church yesterday, grabbed my cheeks and expressed her awe. She hasn't seen me in a while and noticed my form fitting clothes and new look. I didn't want to give her the same plastic acknowledgement I've been known for in the past with others, especially since she's an "insider." She was wildly curious about how I've been able to accomplish so much and I told her. She was impressed, and so was I! That was funny - to appreciate the progress with her help. Somehow her feedback held more weight (no pun intended), and our weight-loss sisterhood brought us together to celebrate. Neat.

It's spring, beautiful spring, and I'm loving it.

Kicked out of the 100+lbs to Lose Club

2006-04-14T13:29:00.000-04:00

I sort of slept through a milestone - as of my last weigh-in I was kicked out of the more than 100lbs to loose club. However, I have not decreased from 1500 to 1200 cals. I think for now, where I'm quite active, I'll stay at the same rate unless I hit another plateau. That helps me focus as I go into this weekend with the intention to avoid as much feasting as possible.

Minus Three More!

2006-04-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

The scale tipped in my favor this week with a loss of three pounds. I'm very happy with that considering it's hell week and all. I decided to challenge myself with a little variety in my workouts - I wasn't in the mood for the usual - so instead I picked up a few classes.

The first was a cardio "funk" class where we did a bunch of pelvic thrusts, hopping, skipping and jumping...lol. The teacher kept yelling - put a little more butt into it...com'on...lemme see som'or bootayyy. I had lots of fun and know that I at least burned the equivalent number of calories. It was a sweat shop for sure. When I went to bed that night I felt like I'd done one of my weight lifting classes for some reason. All in all, no considerable fall out.

The second class I tried was yoga. I didn't make it that long before putting my shoes back on and leaving. I wasn't quite with harnassing all the negative energy into a ball over my head, pulling it down and burying it in the earth. I'll pass.

The third class was "power yoga"...I'm not sure what the difference is (minus "channelling" obviously), but I stayed for most of the class. At one point I became a spectator and watched in amazement as the people around me transitioned into the different poses without a glitch. It was quite an amusing feat to try and twist my legs around themselves and thrown them behind my head at any given time. It was a those times that I had warm flashbacks from my childhood when doing those things was very possible, and we got much enjoyment out of it.

Outside my gym life I ran around with my daughter this weekend taking some pictures to help chronicle her weight loss. She's lost just under 100lbs and I'm WAY proud of her. Anywho, while driving along I snapped a picture of The Big Chicken with its moving eye and beak, which is one of the most unusual but widely known landmarks in this area. If you need directions somewhere, you're almost guaranteed to hear a reference to "The Big Chicken." Oddly enough, I've been here six years and have never been in it. I plan to stop by to purchas a magnet to add to my collection, all while avoiding the KFC menu, etc.

The only thing I've seen that's more hokier is a landmark in the southeast known as"South of the Border." Folks that are familiar with interstate 95 know that you can't travel on the southeast coast without seeing the signs from...200 miles out and counting down from there. You just keep seeing these billboard announcements for "South of the Border...only 100 miles to go" and you get all worked up for an adventure. When you're finally there you're in the middle of nowhere - as in the Bates Motel or a scene from the "DuskTill Dawn" vampire movie. It's literally a truck stop with a motel, a couple of restaurants, shops and attractions for the kiddies. There are some good things about this...if you don't get killed you can eat one of the best tamales you've ever tasted and, because you're in South Carolina you can purchase fireworks.

People were offended by the south of the border schenanigans in recent years, due to implying Pedro the mascot is illiterate - an example from their website: "Bring along the whole family for fun at Pedroland Park! Pedro has sometheeng for every juan, from ferris wheels to miniature golf."

So much for hokiness and memory lane.

A Day in the Life of a Gym Whore

2006-04-05T08:26:00.000-04:00

5:45am -
I awaken to the ding-dongs of my cell phone alarm, which is somehow a lot less offensive than every other alarm clock I've ever heard. I roll over and find my favorite slippers - I've got two pair that have arch supports built in that I found in Walmart, so the early morning rips and tears that accompany plantar faciitis do not plague me. Off to the restroom (ever wondered why it's been given this name when oftentimes there is quite a bit of wrestling going on to get our business done???). There I multi-task and either write down last night's dream, or open my bible for my daily devotional ("quiet time" - food for the spirit). I'm an avid believer in the notion that God speaks to people in dreams, having had experiences in the past where I was "prepared" for things to come, things were confirmed, and some dreams actually played themselves out in real life. My typical quiet time includes prayer, where I usually find myself offering up repentance for the notion of the whole "fitness thing" being a false idol in my life.

7am to 10:45am
Off to work! I arrive around seven and properly prepare my breakfast which is some assemblance of meat, egg beaters, a crumpet and piece of fruit, or a yogurt parfait. On an "off day" I'll have a South Beach Diet breakfast burrito (watch that sodium!). My day is basically spent dealing with the ins and outs of office management, customer service, and employee relations for the largest residential window cleaning business in the southeast U.S. In-between all this I'm checking out the lives of fellow bloggers, getting the latest diet and fitness info online, and looking to see what information or resources I can plug into my own life to make this journey a succes.

11am to 12:15pm
I'm usually excited about getting to the gym at lunch time, the gym whore I am, so I can burn up some calories. If I can get there early enough to get the elliptical machine I like, I use the cross-training setting which toggles through inclines that focus in on your glutes, quads, hamstrings and calves at different intervals. I work at a moderate resistance setting and am usually able to burn about 300-400 calories in 20-30 minutes. If psycho-Suzie and her friend have beat me to it, I concede and use one of the older ellipticals or walk on the treadmill at a high incline. These are just as productive, but quite boring and usually have more of an impact on my knees. The close-captioning of ESPN, CNN or The View can be quite fun as whoever the person or machine is that's responsible for dictation flubbs a lot. So you're reading about about Ricky Williams' (NFL receiver) marriage wanna problem and latest bout with rehab. Even more fun is trying to make out the dialogue of the divas on The View when they're squabbling. I've always got time to scan the entire upper level hot bods and the latest progress of my locker room buddies.

Sweaty, tired, and feeling like I stuck the American flag on the moon, I proceed back to work to have my actual lunch. LOL :) My employer is quite gracious in allowing me to eat breakfast and lunch at my desk, don't you think? I usually eat rotisserie chicken breast and salad, or some sort of frozen entree. I'll occasionally eat a Nutrisystem entree. Depending on my gym attire of the day, I may or may not freshen up and get back into my work clothes (the luxury of being in an office where I don't see the public). Wearing my gym clothes for the rest of the day serves as a reminder that I'm winning the calorie-in/calorie-out war...and to not snack my way into a longer evening workout. It's also at this time that I try to have downed 32oz of water.

1pm to 5pm
A repeat of the morning and closing preparation to get all the crews up and running in the morning. Sometime 2:30 or after I'll have a pm snack. My favorite is a power crunch protein bar, or a container of "muscle milk." Least desirable is more yogurt and fruit or cottage cheese. I try to consume that second 32oz jug of water as well.

6pm to 8:30pm
Back in the gym for another round of cardio and some strength training. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays I work with weights, either in a class or on my own. It's so funny thinking about the whole club dynamic, and how you can be intimately acquainted with other people's fitness regimes but not know them personally. I'm a gym stalker! I watch, sometimes painfully, what others are doing and take all the good stuff and lessons learned, research them and incorporate them into my own gym life. Needless to say, I do not do all the grunting, peacock strutting, wear spandex two sizes too small, flaunt a sports bra ala Brandi Chastain as even some chubby chicks do...no such thing. No bandannas, no sweatbands - nothing. I make nice with all the trainers and gather as much free advice as possible, in suitable gym whore fashion. If it's Wednesday night I get a double dose of my favorites...a strength class followed by two hours of volleyball open play. Sigh.

Isn't it funny how there's the same sort of dynamic on the gym floor as there was in your high school lunch room? There's the popular clic, the geeks, the rejects, dropouts and druggies, the gym bunnies and their male counterparts (I refer to them as peacocks), the jocks, and all the wannabes who have no idea what the heck they're doing. There are the spinners, the runners, the pumpers, the boxers, the racquet ballers, the ballers (basketball), swimmers and wet bar whores (they don't actually work out, but come in and frequent the wet area - sauna, whirlpool and steam room), dancers, steppers, the crunchy-granola folks (pilates and yoga vets) and aerobic whores. Very similar to high school, at different points in time I envy certain groups for what they're able to accomplish with their bodies.

The culmination of the day is summed up best by a trip to the sauna, followed by the whirlpool. It's when sitting in the sauna that I reflect on why I subject my body to the rigors of working out multiple times a day, the progress I've made, and how much my life is changing. I flex muscles to remind me that this investment is paying off. I take part in the sauna community conversations - typically current events, and then when done I shower, dress and saunter my way out the door.

9:30pm
It's dinner time, and I eat it in front of the teli. I don't want to hear anything about eating and t.v. viewing...I've just spent the day offering my body as a living sacrifice and it's earned me some veg time. I'm usually gulping down a Nutrisystem entree, salad and steamed broccoli/squash meddly (yum). I eat my dessert shortly afterwards.

10-10:30pm
After having food for the body, I usually pick up a fitness magazine or my latest book interest and peruse it before going to bed (food for the soul). By this time the teli is now watching me, and I'm snoring shortly afterward. My daughter usually comes by for a good night peck (my 20 year old and I still hug and kiss each other good night) and turns it off for me. I usually whisper a prayer of thanksgiving to the Great One above, and I'm off to la-la land.

On Saturdays it's a 10am strength class and then a movie or errands when I can. I work in the church nursery for two services and then enjoy the night. On Sundays, in true Christian tradition...I have a day of rest (from the gym...lol). I attend service and lead a homegroup bible study twice per month.

When people ask me how I am and what I'm up to, I always say: work...gym...home...work...gym...church. It's pretty predictable. My former aqua aerobics instructor asked me what I did for fun, in which I replied...come here! She looked a little perplexed. On many days the gym is my "fun" time because I actually enjoy some of the workouts, but even moreso I enjoy doing something for me. I will not fail to mention the fact that she's probably 105lbs soaking wet and can't understand me at a sweltering 250 being of single-focus to get myself in better health.

Anywho, such is a day in the life of a confessed gym whore.

One Glorious Pound

2006-04-03T08:26:00.000-04:00

Loosing an hour this weekend was a terrible experience (the horror, the horror). I normally go to church Sunday mornings at 7am for prayer, and then our first service is at 8am. To think I had to get up at 6am - which was really 5am due to the time change - was horrific...but I did it and managed to only be 15 minutes late...lol. Not surprisingly, most folks didn't make the 8am service and a few showed up at 9am wondering why our pastor was almost finished. That was funny. Anywho, I now manage to get a nap on Sunday afternoons (my family contends with me about using the word "nap" because I sleep anywhere from three to five hours), and yesterday's nap helped even things out.

Glory-be...I managed to squeak out a one pound loss last week. Hallelujah! I can't tell you the shock that read on my face because I was sure I'd be up at least five pounds. The conclusion I've drawn is that we all need a breather every so often - a time of mixing it up and confusing our bodies so they can let go of the pounds we've worked so hard to loose but haven't let go of. I was so grateful for the one pound loss that I marveled all weekend about it.

I haven't worn shorts outside in a very long time - passed all of last year wearing capris - but yesterday was different. I took a nice one mile stroll in our neighborhood park, which I would have continued had a thunderstorm not broke out. I felt a lot less self-conscious about the appearance of my legs than ever before. Later on that night while still in my grubby walking shorts I decided to examine and admire my new form. I couldn't believe how beautiful my legs are, and getting better every day (not once did I repent for the vanity of the moment...lol). They also appear longer which I suppose is do to the lengthening and strenthening of the muscles. My hamstrings and inner thighs could use some attention, but all in all I'm very impressed with the changes so far. I wrote before about the jiggly appearance of my thighs and can now see how much exercise helps. Sooner or later the surface fat goes out with the wash. I was very concerned about it before but am now confident that when I'm done I'll be pretty happy and toned. All this is very kewl right now when I needed a boost for the second leg of this weight loss journey.

I did a little window shopping at Chubby Chick USA yesterday and found that I'm really not interested in shopping there anymore. I went with the intention of purchasing clothes, but because my tastes have changed to reflect a more youthful, playful (I dare say "sexy") me, their inventory just didn't seem to be suitable anymore. I'm glad to be growing out of them and moving on.

I've found that in these years of my life, I can multi-task but much more enjoy being single-focused. My octopus years are over (I hope), and I'm wanting to have so much more control (discipline) in everything I do. Therefore I plan for the future. While this "weight-loss thing" is my sole focus right now and consumes me, I plan for "the" next thing. I'm hoping to line up things where I can go back to school next year and make a career change. I've been seriously considering nursing, which will help me on the mission field. We'll see about that, because after having random thoughts about crappy beds, decayed bodies and all kinds of substances oozing out of different parts of peoples bodies, I realized this needs a lot more consideration.

Happy Monday...onward to a great week!

What to say???

2006-03-29T14:21:00.000-05:00

What do you say when you don't have anything to say. I suppose just that. I'm still pressing through on the scale but seeing marvelous results off the scale. I weigh myself a lot less these days feeling like I have a lot of grace right now and I won't let the scale rule me. I'll take the NSV's just the same.

(Warning...PMS rant) I hit an emotional wall. It's been difficult adjusting to moving through sizes in clothes and not having the range of wardrobe or appropriate sizes now. Yes, I'm back here again. It took me a long time and a lot of shopping trips to build the wardrobe I just passed on to my sister. I loved my clothes. Now having to rebuild with the likelyhood I won't be in any particular size for very long is a difficult transition to make - even though the long-term prognosis is good. I never would have thought this one area would affect me so much, and I'm grateful that the places I go I'm not required to have a fancy wardrobe. I just miss the versatility. I don't think buying new clothes is the answer either...it's moreso the confidence and comfort I had with my old wardrobe. Clothes don't make the woman but I lost a part of me in them. Weird, huh? I just never mentally prepared for this place and had no idea it would affect my self-esteem so much. Just so we're clear...this is not being upset because my clothes don't fit and I need to buy new ones...it's upsetting that I keep having to do it and buy lower quality because I won't be in them so long...and IT'S CHANGE FOR GOD'S SAKE! My life is changing and it's to the point now that the changes are catching up with me. All this dampered my motivation and discipline - I think subconsciously I did a little self-sabotage so I could have a breather for a week or so. I've recognized, and, with seeing the progress of some neat people who are roughing it out ( Bob, Tressa, and Karon...reading your recent posts inspired me), I've had a chance to evaluate things and move on. It was temporary - now the good foot is forward.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Yeah. I had a hokey disposition for some reason this morning, I think from hormones and carbs. I had a crazy dream last night (traumatizing) and it took a while to recover. I witnessed somebody I knew (but don't know in real life) fall four stories from a building, and I was able to see him later in life...as a crackhead. I cried about both things. It was awful. Then, while looking at this guy coming from a crackhouse, bullets were flying all over the place and lots of people got shot. I was traumatized by that. It was quite a dousy. By the time all my dreaming was done I had gone into the attic area of a dim mom and pop grocery store and fell through part of the ceiling (been there, done that already...lol). Jeesh...it was a difficult night. I felt like I slept for more time than I actually did. The night before I dreamed my mom got $5000 dollars (won???). That was a lot nicer :). That was quite a bit much to start the day off with.

I just want to take a moment (the flipside of my previous PMS moment) to let you guys know how much your support, encouragement, and sharing through your blogs has helped me get where I am, and reassures me that I can go on and will achieve my goal one day. Thanks to all.

P.S...if you're wondering what happened to the pretty floral template (that I loved so much), I just couldn't figure out all the HTML modifications to make and it drove me bonkers. Even with this new one...much of the text is in a foreign language (LOL!). Such is the life of blog-template-hopping, I suppose.

...still going...

2006-03-22T12:50:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the nudge to post Emily ...I'm still going at it over here. I've been trying to figure out some template problems before posting again, which obviously have taken too long. I haven't really had the time to read what's going on with other folks as well. Anywho, I post anyway, into the clear black hole of cyberspace hoping I'll be able to retain this for future reference.

I suffered a cold a couple weeks ago which severely challenged my determination to uphold gym-whore status. It took a lot, but I managed to keep myself home in bed. I've lost a few lbs and continue to press toward breaking the 250lb barrier. I'm the lightest I've been since being in Georgia and meeting all the people I know here. I'm constantly being approached now with comments on how much my face has changed (though I can't see it in the mirror, of course), and how great I look. I took a look at my "before" pic and can't believe I was so big. Wow.

It occured to me that a pattern of backsliding into snacking has arisen, which I attribute to my comfort level with the current status quo. It was a horrible realization. I don't want to stay where I am, yet I realize I look a lot better than I have this decade. Having reached a point where I can wear my shirts tucked in has brought me to such a high that I lost the determination to move past snacking to reach my next goal. So I refocus. Besides, the scale has been moving much too slow lately.

My body, on the other hand, is transforming into a lean machine. I have progressed with the weights I'm lifting to heavier lbs, and am able to run forward and backward on the elliptical - which alluded me for some time. I feel like a kid who has learned new tricks and have to supress the silly grin that crosses my face every time I toggle between directions. I'm able to cover a lot more distance than before in a shorter time, and work at more challenging resistance levels. I've worked my way up in the number of squats and lunges I'm able to do (my least favorite exercise of all time), and have some pretty solid quads. So firm that my daughter is now taking the strength class I am so she can build hers up as well. It's all good up in here!

I miss all my bloggy buddies. Don't count me out folks.

Boredom

2006-03-07T10:30:00.000-05:00

I'm bored. So bored. Bored. Perhaps a little anxious. I'm anxious for something new to happen, something new to look forward to. Sigh. I'm bored. I'm bored with my hair and want to cut it all off. I'm not exaggerating...I mean having less than an inch on my coiffe. I'm desperate for a new look and for my hair to be chemical free. I just don't have the guts to go in somewhere and let them do it for not wanting to regret the decision, or to go too drastic. I just need to go somewhere where I can preview the cut on my face before doing it. Still, in the meantime...I'm bored.

I'm bored at the gym again, mainly with my cardio. I met and instructor who's willing to teach me how to play raquetball (how hard can it be?), and I'm looking to take some new classes so I can vary my workouts. I haven't found anything yet, so - you guessed it - I'm still bored. I love routines, and I hate routines. It's mostly that I like structure, but I need variety, lots of variety.

Moving on from the boring...

I got my body fat measured last weekend and it was a whopping 44% or 113lbs. I was sure it would have been lower, but perhaps I underestimated how high it was to begin with. I never measured it when I started NS. If nothing else, it's a marker. You do have to think though, about having an "Oprah-esqe" moment with a red rider wagon filled with 113lbs of lard. Sickening thought. In that vein, all that fat should be melting and/or oozing out every time I sit in the sauna...LOL!

In the home drama department...
I've got termites!!! My house is on a concrete slab - all except the portion under the master bath where they're infiltrating and marching up into the attic. The house is treated regularly every year, but these buggers found their own way. Fortunately I'll be able to the have the house treated and concrete poured to take care of it. This is the likely explanation for why I came through the ceiling last year. I can't remember if I wrote this story before. It's hillarious now, but it was a shocking adventure at the time. For the first time in my life, I was walking on air - literally! LOL I went to light the pilot on the furnace and walked on the rafters like usual...except when all of a sudden I went through the floor and my feet were hanging down from the ceiling in my closet. It was quite a sight, but the funny thing was I was immediately impressed with how strong my core was at the time. I didn't feel stressed hanging from the ceiling. I should have done a nice gymnastic dismount to get down.

In eating news...
I'm suffering from the same plight as Emily...having hell week munchies and trying to make the best of it. God help us! Oh dear God, please let this be a short stint. Meanwhile, like everything else...food has been pretty boring too. Go figure.

The End of a Good Week

2006-03-03T14:32:00.000-05:00

Though I battled a cold and fatigue all week, it ended up being a good week just the same. I'm just six pounds away from being in the "under 100lbs to loose" club, and I'm excited. I saw some cool things happen in the past week which I think had nothing to do with me being sick. I've in no way starved a cold. Anywho, I could see the definition around my stomach and sides changing and thought it was time to try on some smaller pants. By golly, I'm another size down! It was hard work to go from 30 to 22...but I'm here and loving it.

I sent a note to Nutrisystem asking for counsel on decreasing my caloric intake and here it is...

I'm approaching the "less than 100lbs to loose" mark and wondered about
adjusting my caloric intake. I've been doing the 1500 calorie plan.
I exercise six days per week, at least four of those are twice per
day. In general, according to the machines I use, I burn approx 700+
calories a day doing cardio. I also do strength training for 60 minutes,
three times per week. I've been wondering if I've been at the right
caloric intake lately because I didn't loose much this month, and if it
made sense to move to 1200 calories.

What are your suggestions???

Their reply...

I would suggest that you keep adding the extra foods for now. You
really should wait until you really are under the 100lb to loose mark
before dropping the extra calories. If you go more than two weeks without
loosing any weight THEN it might be a good idea to go ahead and drop
down to the lower calorie plan. Keep in mind that as you loose, you will
slow down a bit in your weight loss and you won't see as dramatic a
change as you did in the beginning though you WILL continue to see a
change.

The Nutrisystem Nourish Women's Weight loss program is based upon an
average intake of 1200 calories daily for a woman looking to lose less
than 100 pounds. If you are looking to lose 100 pounds or more, your
average daily intake would be 1500 calories for the beginning phase of
your weight loss and then readjusted as you progress on the program.
However, you do not need to count calories. Simply follow the meal plan as
it is laid out in your checkbook size meal and don't skip any meals
and/or servings to ensure that you reach the minimum caloric intake needed
to burn fat. These calorie counts are an average that will vary
depending upon your specific entrée choices as well as your grocery food
additions. If you have any additional questions please don't hesitate to
contact one of our counselors.

Health Policy: Please be sure to eat all the food that is recommended
on the NutriSystem meal plan. You could be at risk of health issues if
you do not maintain a healthy diet. Additionally, please refrain from
starting the NutriSystem program if you are: pregnant, a nursing
mother, under the age of 18, anorexic or bulimic, or allergic to peanuts.
And please consult your physician before beginning any weight loss or
exercise program.

I thought it was interesting that I got a lecture on what the plan is, how I shouldn't count cals, and the health policy. I never saw that before, so that was interesting. In any case, for anyone curious about such things, that's the info I got...though I felt like had I brought this up to Mary Gregg (if this even is a person), she may have counseled differently because of the amount of exercise I'm doing. I read the e-classes minutes every so often and have gotten a feel for her (him/them...lol). Dunno.

I hope to have a relaxing weekend and go to the movies with my daughter. This is her driving test weekend...I'm praying, praying, praying she passes. Totally unrelated...as I type I've got exterminators at the house to assess our termite problem. Oh, how that sucks! They're inside...doing their thing in the attic. Sigh.

I've been shopping for an online dating service. Ya. This is HUGE for me. I'm ready to start dating again (the sound of heavy machinery drowns me out in the background as the excavating team removes the grand levels of dust covering my dating muscles). I've finally gotten to the point where I feel emotionally healthy, attractive and loveable, and could reciprocate warmth and companionship to someone. I've been hibernating for way too long, and am not really meeting the kind of guys I'd like to at my current venues. P.S...my crush has left my gym :(

That is the latest and greatest. God bless America!

2006-02-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

Krista , the little bugger, tagged me...

Four jobs I've had:
1. Systems Analyst
2. Office Manager
3. Surgical Instrument Technician
4. Ski instructor (volunteer) - don't tell me that doesn't count...lol.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Braveheart
2. Love and Basketball
3. Spanglish (Left! Left!)
4. Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Viggo is SO hot)
5. Gladiator
6. A Walk to Remember
7. La Femme Nikkita (original French version)
8. Star Wars Trilogy
9. Dances with Wolves
10. For the Love of the Game
11. Jerry Maguire
12. The Patriot (Mel Gibson)....okay, so I can't count...LOL

Four places I've lived:
1. New York
2. Boston
3. Atlanta
4. To be determined :)

Four tv shows I love:
1. Grays Anatomy
2. Lost
3. Invasion
4. Everwood

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Montego Bay, Jamaica
2. Eisenach, Germany
3. Panama City Beach, Florida
4. Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Thai Basil Chicken - anything Thai really
2. Seafood Alfredo
3. Curried Chicken and Potato
4. Roti

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Debt free! That's a place, isn't it? LOL
2. The coast of Greece
3. Negril
4. Austrialia

If you're reading this and haven't been tagged already, CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED!

Ughhhh...my aching feet!

2006-02-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

I read a post from Renee the other day where she elaborated on why she writes, and on why some blogs just dry up after a while, and it made so much sense. We’re on our weight loss journeys and repeat the same patterns where it just gets old after a while. That’s how I’ve felt over the last few weeks…nothing new going on so why bother to post? Today I’m pressing past it, and will invest in blogging because of my original intent: to chronicle my journey. Today’s entry may appear as though I’m in “a mood,” but I think it’s safe to write what’s on my mind.

Observation worth noting (again)...there’s an article in the New York Times about aspartame causing cancer in rats. I’ve been waiting for somebody to blow the whistle louder on that one. I shake my head trying to figure out why we Americans allow this kind of stuff to go on, and continue to support the companies with our purchases and ingest the poisons. It seems like a no-brainer.

In body news...I wrestle with the same issues every month. There’s a three to six pound gain that comes out of nowhere once a month and it’s not during menstrual week so I’m always caught off guard by it. I have to keep reminding myself that my body is changing and I can’t be a number cruncher. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, even to the point of going overboard. I have to keep my focus on health and fitness. I just hate the 3-to-6 stint. I wish I could see my body from the inside out like in the movie Fantastic Voyage, so I could see what’s going on in here.

Meanwhile, I’m still standing on the same ice pack…my left plantar fascia is screaming for a break. I have had some nagging issues with my feet. In the late 90’s x-rays on both showed heel spurs, and I tore my right plantar fascia playing volleyball. After rehab and cortisone shots I was asked if I wanted surgical repair. I declined at the time at the advice of my podiatrist, who looks very much like Jeff Goldblume (I know this matters to someone…lol). He said he thought my weight (mid 200’s at the time) was the significant contributor, and that loosing the weight and wearing orthotics would alleviate the problem. I didn’t listen. Last week I sat with an ice pack for so long my foot froze. When I realized it and tried to shake the feeling back I was in so much pain that I cried. I sat on the floor under my desk, held onto my heel – praying and crying.

Today I’m stuck with the question…why did it take me so long to get here? So many doctors and nice meaning people encouraged me to loose weight 10 years ago and I turned a deaf ear to them. Now I’m like, this is so great, why didn’t I do this sooner? I really can’t believe I’ve carried around this excess weight for so long. I don’t feel like it’s too late, and I’m not living in the past, I just wonder why it took so long for the light to come on. I could have been spared the agony of waiting this out and the ice regimen after each workout. I wouldn’t have to buy expensive sneakers, or work so hard at finding the proper shoes for my issues. (This would be a good time to mention that I purchased a pair of asics about a month ago, left them behind at the gym one Saturday and when I went back for them they weren’t there. There went a “C-note” down the drain. Sigh.) We just really aren’t naturally willing to change until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of changing. That’s sad.

In the pool of compliments and NSV's...this morning while eating my yogurt parfait for breakfast my boss came in my office and said how proud he was that I was sticking with “it”…eating yogurt, fruit and bird food. It meant a lot to hear that from him (not really a communicator).

To summarize, it was a good week outside of the 3-6lb stint (I’m back to normal now). My gym time continues to be fun and fruitful. Compliments continue to come, as well as more social interactions with the people, most are of the opposite sex (oooh-la-la). What is happening to me??? My eating is great. I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to adjust from 1500 calories to 1200 soon since I’m about to cross the less than 100lbs to loose threshold. It's a painful thought, but I figure if I do it on my own terms I'll better transition.

All in all, life is good.

The latest, greatest

2006-02-15T16:38:00.000-05:00

I’m starting to feel like a new person. I can’t pinpoint any one thing being monumental in this change as of late – I just feel different (different than the “different” I was feeling before). I feel a lot more powerful, positive and ready to go.

Oh gosh – I pigged out on seafood at one of my favorite local restaurants Legal Seafood eating shrimp, scallops, clams, crabcakes, calamari, oysters...and had a few slivers of birthday cake (I think I exercised the three bite rule). Oh God it was so good. I miss living next to the ocean and having the catch of the day. Anyway, I ate cake after asking everyone not to have a birthday cake for me...lol. I worked out three out of the four days I was there and managed to maintain for that week – which was also “hell week.” When I got home and all returned to normal I posted a two pound loss…very happy with that. They didn’t have any snow when I was home, but got slapped with a Nor’easter on the following weekend. It’s just as well – my daughter left her coat home and only had a fleece on when we were there.

My family was great. It’s funny that they talk about my weight loss numbers amongst themselves like a secret society, but don’t say anything when I’m there. Weird, huh? Anywho, they’re all proud of my progress (so I hear…lol).

I’m glad to be able to record a wonderful NSV…
I played volleyball last week for the first time in six months or so and I was immediately able to see how much more fit I am. Previously I would easily tire having to take a breather on the sideline every so often, have aching quads, hamstrings and heals, and have to go home and soak in a hot bath. Last week I hardly broke a sweat, had greater agility and leaping ability, and finished without feeling a single pain. I was flabbergasted about that. What a milestone. I’m not a gym whore for nothing!

My new slacks are already “roomy.” I can’t even feel bad about it because that’s the mark of progress. I’m trying to make a point of rotating through them so I can feel like I got to wear them for a while before I get rid of them.

I’ve been making progress with my resistance training. Not only can I see more definition, I’ve been able to increase the amount I’m lifting overall. Sometimes I just can’t believe my life is changing like this. I’m getting smaller, stronger, more fit and disciplined. I’m taking better care of myself. I look better. I feel better. It’s wild. I keep wondering what took me so long to come to this place in my life, to be ready to get rid of all the baggage and experience greater levels of joy.

I think about people who have gastric bypasses or go on crash diets and loose a heapload of weight quickly and feel sad for them. When I encounter the “others” – bypass people (we’ve got a bunch at my church) - I always find myself thinking about how I’m doing the right thing for me and not succumbing to the latest medical craze. I’ve worked my way down. I’m spared from the awful complications that accompany that stuff. I enjoy the feeling that I have invested time, energy, discipline and sacrifices which have produced a harvest. By the grace of God I am conquering something vs. having someone press the “easy button” and making the weight disappear. I’m so glad this is happening this way and neither I nor my daughter had one of those procedures. To each his own I suppose. I guess I just want to testify to the fact that weight reduction is doable in ways that are more healthy for your body in the long run. Maybe it’s the subject of my next book. I can start booking engagements on the talk show circuit…lol. I digress.

2006-02-02T07:57:00.000-05:00

I'm very happy with the progress I made in January, showing an 8lb loss. I'm sure I've increased lean muscle mass. My "personal trainer crush" commented on my weight loss and how my face is slimming out :)))) I was perplexed by some information he offered, that it's better to do a very brief cardio warm-up and then resistance training vs. 30+ minutes of cardio and then weights (which is how people are instructed to proceed on their website). I'm exhausted in either case, so I figured I'd do a trial with both ways and see which is more effective. Apparently from what I've read the sea of thought goes both ways, and the concern in the end is fuel stores and muscle loss.

I finally went in my closet the other day and took out all the clothes that I'm swimming in, and will pass them along to my sister or daughter. I was getting dressed for church and couldn't live with the thought of the nursery director humiliating me with her encouragement again - so those clothes had to go. When I was done my closet was practically empty. So - what would any woman do in that circumstance? SHOP! I was able to pick up a few casual items on clearance and the whole endeavor was fun. I didn't have the "will-I-be-able-to-fit-it" anxiety at all. The nice thing was, I got a call that a friend of mine from church had just received a bag full of clothes from another friend who lost heaploads of weight. They were all too big for her (yeah for me), and I am either fitting or right on the threshold of fitting them. When I thought a size was far from me my daughter would say...go ahead and try it on anyway. Well what do ya know, they do fit. Those moments were cool. My nursery director never did follow through on her invitation to go shopping :(

I'm excited about my trip tonight. I haven't seen my mom for a year, and siblings in a few months. I never tell mom I'm coming home - I just show up. It makes for a good visit. She doesn't have any anxiety about our travel, doesn't run to the store to buy all kinds of food and snacks we don't eat, and has no expectation that we'll sleep at her house (I don't do well with the dander from the min-pins she has). Anyway, I always come through the door and she breaks out in uncontrollable laughter followed by suffocating hugs. Then she calls the neighbors and says "guess who's at my house right now?" You'd think I was in the Peace Corps or stationed in Iraq. I don't want to break the tradition - it's too much fun.

My daughter got a neat surprise last night - her best friend gave her a car (1999 chevy malibu). We've been trying to get her mobile with a driver's license and a car. I'm not the best candidate to teach her. I'm always putting on the passenger- side breaks and yelling at her - hallllo...did you see the white line??? The stop sign??? What are you doing???????!!!!!! Ya - it's bad. I'm like my mother was with me. I told my daughter she needed to go to driver's school. Now that she's got a car I've encouraged her to try and get the money her grandad has committed to help her with and get those dangone drivers lessons. She booked an appointment for a driver's test in March, and I'm hoping everything comes togther for her. Thank God for answered prayers.

That's pretty much it. It's February - finally, and I've set my first goal (wow!). I'd like to be down another 40lbs (a total of -100lbs lost) by June 27th, my one year anniversary on NS. That would put me at 221, my weight when I started college. I'm really psyched about this. I keep trying to imagine getting back to my lowest adult weight and what that would look like. It's hard for me to tell now in the mirror that I've lost more weight outside of looking at the smaller clothes I can fit. I now understand Bob's dilema. I suppose it's time to take more pics.

Happy Groundhog Day!

A Darker Shade of Black

2006-01-25T10:44:00.000-05:00

I feel like I’ve survived massive bombing and shelling, having dug out of the rubble looking at a horizon accented by whisps of grey fog. This after another hour and a half prayer counseling session, mostly dealing with racial reconciliation.

A blast from the past…for at least a year and a half of my childhood – sometime between ages four and six, my dad did his version of homeschooling. He kept the family home and indoctrinated us with the tenants of “black pride.” We learned black history and studied icons like Marcus Garvey, Malcolm X and the Black Panthers (lol – an icon to some, I suppose). We began to study Arabic, chose Yoruban names - all in preparation to move “back” to Africa. He emphasized Africa being our place of origin and how we didn't belong in America. I remember being very unhappy with the thought that I’d be some little beady headed kid running around naked with no shoes on in the hot sun – LOL. We were educated about “the man” and the American racist machine.

During this time I also learned that Jesus was a blue-eyed, blond-haired devil. I tell you, I still marvel at God’s plans, because I was “anti-christ” from childhood until my late twenties when I had a personal encounter with Jesus (story for another time). My dad must have looked at too many of those traditional “last supper” pictures and stained glass murals. Anywho, while all the other little neighborhood kiddies ran around outside playing tag, swinging their hula-hoops, playing with G.I. Joes and swapping marbles, I was stuck inside the propaganda tank.

During my “time off” from school I went to an all-black academy in NYC (60 mile commute daily from upstate NY), and we frequented many of the hot cultural centers (plays, black bookstores, museums, lectures) on the weekends. I knew we were “different,” but my dad taught us that this different was good – better and enlightened. We were “awake.” This difference he was imposing on us, in addition to the problems of life, set the foundation for the angry black woman I identified myself with last year. I found myself angry with God about my family’s challenges, and disgruntled with many things in ministry – but at the core the anger I felt was fueled by the indoctrination of my childhood. I was taught that I should be angry because there was a lot to be angry about.

Interestingly enough, after my parents split and we moved, the rest of my life was spent in multi-ethnic, multi-cultural environments. I loved it, and craved diversity…still to this day. This, in part, is why I enjoy missions so much. I love meeting people of different cultures and finding out their story. I love learning new things about myself and the world through the lenses of other cultures. I believe diversity is a picture of heaven. What a dichotomy – the past programming and present hunger. Somehow this helped diffuse my previous programming, but not enough to take the latent anger away.

In my prayer session I spent time repenting for participation in all that “stuff” and the myriad of judgments and attitudes that followed. I also forgave – my parents for raising us that way, people who have hurt me by their own prejudices and racist acts as well as people I have hurt. More profoundly, I forgave my African ancestry and the ancestry of caucasians for their participation in the wickedness of slavery. Things were complicated by the addition of Native American ancestry through my grandmother, and somehow that was an even more painful and profound repentance and forgiveness. I was exhausted again.

As I sat trying to process what I’d just went through and its implications, I realized that anger had been a banner, an entitlement for everything gone wrong in my life and within the black community, and for a flicker of a moment my subconscious realized that and didn’t want to surrender it. It was sort of like – what will I do without this anger??? I was at a crossroads. The longing in my soul to be free overcame the temptation, and *puffffff* - I surrendered it to God. Chains have been broken and a weight has been lifted.

Today I am the phoenix rising from the ashes.

2006-01-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

I'm excited about going home for my birthay in a few weeks...yipee! I'm hoping it doesn't look like Emily's Arizona paradise - though very beautiful, it's not the ideal New England February. The last time I was home in winter it was nice enough to snow 12 inches or so :). It was so pretty as the streets were filled with cross country skiers trying their best to get where they were going. There were certain local roads with tree-lined streets covered with snow and icicles, and the glow of breaklights and traffic lights made them look like a winter wonderland. Kids were out trying to get their snowballs and snowmen made. Pedestrians were all bundled up. Everything was white and pure looking, and I was inside a Norman Rockwell painting. (Pause to sip on hot cocoa.)

I'm going to turn 40 and I feel great about it! I told my daughter and siblings I don't want any hoopla. I'd like to gracefully enter the next decade of my life with passionate serenity. I don't want the jokes about approaching the over-the-hill club, arthritis, pre-AARP, Citrucel....none of it. Let's just celebrate the beginning of a new chapter of my life.

In health news, I had my bp and glucose levels tested and the results were quite impressive from the last screening. The nurse looked at me in disbelief, asking what I've been doing. I grinned and said eating right and exercising - all the right stuff. I told her I'd lost 60lbs and pointed to my daughter who's lost 88. Her mouth hung open. It was a nice, stunning moment.

I've been assaulted twice by my nursery director. She reminds me of my mother in that every time I see her, she points me out to other people, notes my progress and pulls my pants out from my leg (mom would attempt to pinch the butt that no longer fills those particular pants). I shrink up from embarassment like any child would, and then come back to myself. This would fall under the category "Do Black People Blush?" She says she's tired of seeing me swimming in my clothes and has invited me to go shopping with her. Before you think - how rude - know that it's her treat. Though she has quite an unusual way of showing her support and encouragement, I take it for what it is. She has good intentions. I accepted her invitation and hope to have the opportunity to ask her to not make such a scene when she's trying to show me off.

I'm nothing less than deflated that the 2003 and 2004 back-to-back champion New England Patriots got the crap kicked out of them last weekend. I'm gearing up for the blue collar superbowl game (and that's all I have to say about that).

(Note to self: since you've discovered the trainer you love to oogle at in the gym is only 26, it's time to find a new crush. Until you do, he's still qualified to be eye candy. Forget what the movies are saying - you're not Mrs. Robinson. Sigh.)

No sisterhood and my pants don't travel

2006-01-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling great today, smile on my face and pretty pleasant demeanor to support it. I suppose it started this morning when I slipped on my pants and realized I’ve made more progress and things are going well. I was at another plateau-like stand-off with the scale…hovering within the same two pounds for the last few weeks which broke this week. Being a gym whore, I thought surely there’s not another workout to be had and I needed to look at what I’m eating. In the end I believe I just hit a funky few weeks – nothing wrong, just my body adjusting to things.

I’m thoroughly enjoying my current regimen: cardio for 30 mins at lunch six day a week and 30-60 minutes evenings four times a week; strength training including abdominal work four times a week. I’m doing this for as long as it lasts, not feeling pressured to maintain this level of working out – just enjoying it. I am, however, having people/instructors from my aqua classes ask me when I’m coming back as if I’ve committed a personal offense against them by changing things up. That’s becoming quite irritating. I left the class because I hit a plateau, and since I’ve been on hiatus I’ve enjoyed doing what I’m currently doing – so I figure why go back. On a positive note, these same people are saying how great they think I look. I’ve noticed quite a few more greetings and heads turning at the gym. Nice!

Back to my pants – jeans. While my jeans do not travel and are not the subject of a full-length feature film, they do tell a story. Purchased in December 1999, I wore them (twice???) along with a matching jacket. The first time was while scouting out Atlanta before moving here. I could hardly breathe in them at the time, but they looked so good and were symbolic of a new beginning. It was a very short-lived new beginning, I suppose. I couldn’t fit them comfortably and shortly afterward I totally grew out of them.

This morning when I put them on, I remembered all that I left behind – the divorce and ex-husband I didn’t want to run into on the streets of Boston, a stressful IT job with a company that was constantly restructuring (I had eight supervisors/managers in the first five years I was with them), a teenager with tell-tale signs of trouble ahead, a small church with small church pains, broken dreams, missed potential, etc., etc., etc. Remembering was sweet because I could look at what I’ve overcome. I also had the new picture of me in the mirror who’s healthier and happier and not only fits the jeans…but am on my way out of them. My jeans tell the story of an overcomer. I’m the winner!

2006-01-05T07:48:00.000-05:00

The new year is here and I'm finding myself in an interesting place. I haven't really been able to collect myself to journal, and the fact that work has been so busy hasn't helped. I've been working out as usual, two times a day for the most part. I went through hell week which usually makes me snacky, and managed to not to gain any weight, though it would have been nice to show a loss (still hovering in the high 260's). I guess I'm just not on the high I would like to be on. I think I set myself up in my mind to feel like - new year, clean slate. Somehow that hasn't manifested yet, at least mentally. I'm still dealing with last year's crap.

I did a two hour counseling session on the 2nd with the intention to discuss and pray through various issues - processing my reaction to hurtful events of the past. I've taken courses designed to achieve the same result, however, somehow I missed having a lot of personal time. In any case, the more I spoke, the longer the list of things to pray about grew.

I hadn't realized just how much trauma I've endured for having such a strong drive to cope. It's my family's mantra - life happens and you just endure the pain and move on. Com'on...(African-Americans) culturally we've endured so much hardship. We're use to it. Well, while I was busy moving on, I built long lists of people I judged, resented and held unforgiveness for. I vowed to never do a bunch of things (that, of course I ended up doing). After years and years of this, from childhood through adulthood, I grew some pretty deep roots of bitterness and walked with a deep sense of mistrust. I couldn't really hold my heart open to others and my perspective was clouded, especially as it related to how I related to God and who He is. Hence, the angry black woman thing. This came to a climax last year when my daughter began battling health issues. I knew something was very wrong when I began to withdraw from friends, activities and things I'm passionate about. I thought it was just about dealing with my daughter's stuff, but it was about the inner me - the me you can't see.

Somehow in all this I managed to loose weight. I think it was a diversion and because exercising comes with the reward of feeling better (emotionally and physically), I was able to skate for months. Now everything seems to be coming to a new head. Here's a screwy equation to describe it...

Past:
I feel, I eat
I eat, I feel
I feel, I eat.

Today:
I eat (breakfast)
I exercise (before lunch)
I eat (lunch)
At any given point in the day I feel, I think about eating...I battle to deal with what
I'm feeling - sometimes I win, sometimes I don't
I exercise (before dinner)
I eat (dinner)
I feel...same as above
I go to bed

I think exercise has been a mask to deal with my emotions and stress - whatever they are. I feel so good afterward, but I haven't necessarily dealt with the "stuff" of life I need to deal with. The equation is only currently working out because I have a buffer due to working out so much. Now I'm at the place of having to figure out what's going on and really deal with it. It takes a lot more energy to do that. While in the session I felt exhausted - like I'd run a marathon (not that I know what that feels like). This is where I am.

I'm excited about getting free. It takes so much energy to be disgruntled and I'm done with that and ready to sink the same energy into being healthy and fit, happy, joyful and whole. I look forward to being light again. I think I thought with the calendar pages turning, something would change because last year (and all before that) would be behind me. What I've discovered is...I've got a lot more work to do. It's okay. It is what it is. The rewards greatly outway staying the same.

Risking repeating myself...I look forward to having my smile back.

(Note to self: be honest here. The reason you like working out at the gym so much is because of your weakness for looking at beautiful male bodies...and those in the making, not to mention being able to eyeball a certain attractive personal trainer.)

Year-end Inventory

2005-12-30T08:40:00.000-05:00

Have I…

Worshipped, prayed, studied, communed and served God passionately?
Walked in honesty and integrity daily?
Honored commitments continually?
Loved adequately?
Given generously?
Encouraged fervently?
Expressed appreciation and thankfulness regularly?
Performed consistently?
Forgiven and repented wholeheartedly?
Listened attentively?
Communicated effectively?
Related to friends, family, and others graciously, respectfully and compassionately?
Practiced stewardship of my body and resources wisely?

…sometimes. These are some things I’d like to improve over the next year (and the rest of my life). I want the picture of who I think I am to match up with the person people experience and perceive me to be.

God bless all my NS friends – you are such a huge part of my weight loss success.

Happy New Year!
Feliz Año Nuevo (Spanish, duh!)
Bonne Année (French)
Gutes Neues Jahr (German)
Ano Novo feliz (Portugese)
с новым годом (Russian – lol, ya…I knew that!)

Spirit of Christmas

2005-12-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

I’ve been doing my thing this week – work-gym-work-gym, then home. This is making the scale move quickly. The thing I like about it is it allows me to eat things I normally wouldn't from my favorite salad bar and still experience a victory.

Wednesday we had our office Christmas luncheon (bbq). I was able to take a chicken breast, peel off the skin and throw it in the meat with my salad. It worked out. No problems with the multitudes of cookies and confections brought in for desert. I did have a low moment when the owner’s wife brought in gift baskets. I believe she knows I've been trying to loose weight. My basket was filled with foods I couldn’t eat (chocolate covered cherries, honey coated nuts, chocolate covered biscotti, etc). I struggled with the feeling she was kind (the basket was aesthetically beautiful and filled with items) but insensitive. I was really sour about it but it occurred to me that she has no concept of how single-focused I am, and that these are NOT options for me to eat. Some people just don't get it. Sigh...I forgive her.

Yesterday I came in and found a gift bag another co-worker gave me filled with 100 calorie snack packs. I went and gave her the biggest hug and shared how much it blessed me after dealing with the sinful basket. It’s nice to know there are people who’ll be sensitive to where we’re at with weight loss and will be supportive. I felt like I’d been given a $1000 gift just because of the thought she put into it.

As I mark the end of one year and beginning of the next, I think about the beginnings of my lifestyle change. I started by doing the
Discovery Health National Body Challenge . When I began I only thought of the free Bally Fitness membership, and started working out two to three times a week. I felt better, but this did nothing for my weight. I didn't have a solution for my eating issues, and was just stuck and frustrated. To top things off, my church was on a 40 day fast last January (liquids only - if you blend it/liquify it, you could eat it), and I made it 20 days before breaking down. I've done 40 day fasts before and never had a problem, but this year was different. I struggled internally with feeling I had nothing to prove. My value and significance as a person had nothing to do with how much discipline I had with food and how much I could resist (the fast breaker was Thai coconut soup - I just skipped the blending part on this particular day and chewed the rice and chicken - yum LOL). I think that was the epiphany I needed to turn the light on and look at my eating habits. My fasting failure was actually a success :). Perspective is key.

Five months later a co-worker went on NS, had great results and told me about it. The rest is history. I think about how things came together - food and fitness - and how much it means to me to be able to end the year healthier than last year. By the grace of God I've dropped 60lbs in six months. This is the best gift I've received this Christmas. As it's typical to look back on the year and evaluate progress, I hope everyone can see that, though the numbers may not be monumental, fitness is a high calling and just being "in the game" is an accomplishment in itself.

I'm looking forward to having a long weekend. My church will be having six services over Friday, Saturday and Sunday like we normally do, but for me there's something about being able to worship on Christmas. I've always loved that.

To all who haven't read Bob's Christmas story please do so. It's the spirit of Christmas at work, for sure.

Merry Christmas all,

Diane

Weekend Wrap Up

2005-12-19T15:08:00.000-05:00

Aside being sick all weekend, it was a pretty good one. I went to another church ministry’s Christmas party, and was nice. I had my mind set to make good choices, but when I saw the buffet it seemed there weren’t any. I gave myself a pass and ate small portions of chicken picatta and chicken parm, both without pasta. I also ate steamed string beans and carrots. I passed on desert – carrot cake, chocolate swirl cheesecake or New York cheesecake with cherry topping. That was a breeze. The chicken was fried with a light bread crumb coating which was interesting…I hadn’t eaten anything fried in ages. I went to the gym afterward and worked out for two hours. Not so bad in the scheme of things.

My mental state is interesting. I think I’m getting addicted to exercising – or at least going to the gym. I’m really enjoying being able to do more. I think I was meant to be an athlete or something. Actually, I played three sports in high school and had the opportunity to go to college on volleyball scholarship but I was too chicken (fear of failure). I was even better at softball and continued to play beyond school, but just didn’t have the support or direction to pursuit it at a collegiate level. In any case, I definitely feel like I’m building some momentum to push me toward a 100lb loss by the end of June. I haven’t made any specific numeric goals since I started changing my lifestyle but 100lbs has always been in the back of my mind as a milestone. It seems doable.

I’ve been doing some counseling work to help “pretty-up” my insides to go along with my outsides, and it’s been gratifying. A few months ago I mentioned identifying myself with the term “angry black woman.” The more I evaluate things, the more I recognize I had a volcano of sucky life events that I let build up internally to the point of bitterness. I told someone recently that I just wanted 2005 to be over – it was a hard year for my family. I lost my joy. I lost my smile…which to me was like loosing a fortune. I’ve been wanting these things back for some time, and they seem to be resurfacing in my daily life. I can feel things shifting as I talk to people, as my outlook changes, and as I desire to be more and more relational. The inner work is just as much, if not even more necessary than the outer work. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to turn things around while I’m still young with so much life and relationship potential. Life, family and friends are a gift and our time on earth is way too short to mess around with.

Finally in today’s weekend wrap-up, The NFL Champion New England Patriots (crowd cheering wildly in the background) won again and are hopefully moving toward the miraculous. I need them to be in the superbowl again – it’s a big deal (superbowl party) at church and I run around like a maniac taunting and chanting. It won’t be the same without my original home team. I was so happy to hear the Colts finally bit the big one and loss. Unfortunately, my current home team (Falcons) bit the big one too – we just don’t do so well when we’re outdoors in the winter (gotta fix that). Anywho, to all you naysayers, hear me now…The Pats are back!

2005-12-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

These are pictures from my church's Christmas leadership banquet last night. Lots of laughs, I ate well...steamed veggies, chicken breast/small steak fillet, wild rice, salad...and for dessert I sent the mousse back and ate a bowl of the garnish - delicious strawberries, blueberries and boisenberries. Yum!

I got tired of hearing the trinity of...oh, you're so beautiful...I didn't recognize you and wow you look so great comments when everyone I saw began to repeat the same phrases. It got old really fast - I love compliments, but the more they came the more I felt deja vu (yeah, yeah, yeah...let me guess what you have to say...Diane you look so beautiful. Wow, you look great. I didn't recognize you).

2005-12-12T09:03:00.000-05:00

...A fresh start to a new week, and things are looking good. I went to my first holiday party last Friday and the worst thing I ate was chili. I brought deserts, including an NS friendly one that I could eat (pumpkin mousse). This week I've got a black tie formal which I've decided to not be stressed about. The last time I went the food was reasonably healthy (no heavy sauces, steamed veggies, etc), and I did lots of dancing, so I've got a means built in to burn calories :).

Life at the gym is good. I took my first strength class and my arms, chest and shoulders are still a little sore from all the weight lifting. I did things I wasn't sure I could do, which was a nice surprise. I met the instructor in advance while doing some cardio work and she suggested that I come try her class. She commented that she was surprised at how well I did. The biggest NSV was being able to do the ab work. I've been avoiding classes thinking I wasn't at the right endurance level and I hate the ab work because I always cramp up. I felt like I was on the mountain top when I was able to do everything along with everyone else. No cramps at all. I can look back and say I'm in way better shape than six months ago. Yeah for me! My next goal is increasing my flexibility.

Out of Chubby Chick USA

2005-12-06T16:10:00.000-05:00

I went to the tailor today and she laughed at me. I swam in my dress! She kept saying “way too big, way to big.” It was so much fun, and I’m so looking forward to wearing it. While out I went and tried on some clothes for kicks, and I’ve officially able to wear clothing sold in most department stores. Pretty soon it’ll be the end of my relationship with “chubby chick U.S.A.” (most plus sized clothing stores pretty much carry the same merchandise or are owned by the same parent company, so I call them chubby chick U.S.A.).

I can see myself doing some of the things I use to be able to. I have a mental picture of me doing more, and being more. It’s pretty special. It makes me wonder why I messed around with the weight and my health for so long. My eyes are open to the possibilities.

Last week I hit the gym five times which translated into a 4lb loss…the biggest in a while. I’ve been enjoying the time at the gym, varying my workouts and spending more time there. I have to keep fighting fear of success and all the “what-if’s” of failure (what if this momentum doesn’t last, etc)…the mental game keeps pushing me to do more. I also went back to eating more NS foods for discipline’s sake. I was taking in too many calories between lunch, dinner and dessert so I’m giving myself a fresh start.

I can’t wait until the next big milestone!

2005-12-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

Things are moving right along. I've worked out every day this week so far, doing eliptical running and resistance training. I did see the scale moving downward, so I'm pleased. More than that, I went for a little "pick-me-up" last night and got the tape measure out and saw that I've lost quite a few more inches all over. I'm really happy with that. Even my little jeans are starting to get baggy. All of this right before our church's leadership ball :). I'm taking a gown to the tailor to have it taken in a few inches :):):) Nice problems to have. :)

Speaking of problems...I keep looking at my inner thighs and seeing jello when I'm standing, and that has me unnerved. It seems like it's all of a sudden. My legs look great while I'm sitting and flexing, but as soon as I stand and look it's like...surely these legs belong to someone else! I haven't used "The Firm" workout since I bought the DVD and watched it (with a snack...rofl), but the jello thing is freaking me out and I'm ready to do what it takes to try to impact that area. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at my desk icing my feet hoping that one day I'll be heel pain free. I hope to shop for orthotics and some really good footwear this weekend.

All else is quiet, work is busy for the holidays, and I'm looking forward to the weekend.

2005-11-29T16:14:00.000-05:00

I did it!!!!! I spent 32 minutes on the eliptical last night. It definitely took patience and endurance. I find that I get bored easily, and I'm not enthused to read the closed captioning of CNN and the like while I'm going at it, so there needs to be some pretty good music playing overhead to keep me motivated. What was funny was a guy stood behind my machine waiting me out, thinking I would be done in five or ten minutes. He spurred me onto another 15 (that'll teach him), and the next time I saw him, he was on the other side of the club on a treadmill. Com'on...I'm not easily intimidated! THAT felt great! I did some leg resistance work, topped it off with the whirlpool, showered and went home. Today it's back for some water aerobics. I don't know what it is, but the holidays have made me want to make more progress than ever to prove that this change is more than a diet. I'm psyched.

I've made an appointment to chat with a collegue to help me unload some of what I've been carrying around emotionally, and I feel great about it. Life just keeps getting better and better.

...just a short note for the end of the day. Life is good.

2005-11-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

Me with my older brother

My younger sister and older brother

The holiday was good...way too short. I ate (and ate), but nothing like the past. I enjoyed breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack and dessert. When I weighed in on Saturday I was up 3/4 of a pound, but we'll see if that was real or not (time of the month blues). I walked two miles Thanksgiving eve, and a mile on Thanksgiving, and went to the gym on the Saturday after. I was delighted with another NSV. I've always enjoyed eliptical cross-training machines but have trouble with some of the models because of their jerky functioning. When I first started at the gym I could hardly get two minutes in on one of them. Saturday I ran for 10 minutes and walked for a mile on the track afterward. It felt great. The machines don't know it, but they're my new passion. I hope to build up to 15 minutes this week, and 20 to 30 by the end of the year. I'm really seeking out alternative workouts to avoid plateaus for as long as possible.

Everything else is the same...I'm back on plan and still trying to emotionally download since my Charlotte trip. A lot of stirring happened there and I continue trying to process for understanding. The trip is dealing with some things below the surface that needed to be touched. It seems that viewing old photos of my mom and her family, and me in younger years really brought home how miserable people were then (depression and post depression), and brought to light why certain thing were and are the way they are with my relatives. I need to do some restorative work in my family relationships and it's really heavy on my heart.

I came back to work today to discover a souvenir hat from disney from one of my co-workers. I finally got him to stop leaving sweets and things at my desk. For that I'm now the owner of a youth-size tinkerbell hat. I suppose that's progress.

Hi-ho, hi-ho...

Holiday Countdown

2005-11-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

You Should Learn Japanese

You're cutting edge, and you are ready to delve into wacky Japanese culture.
From Engrish to eating contests, you're born to be a crazy gaijin. Saiko!

What Language Should You Learn?

All this holiday hype is making me crave fish! I’ve been eating salmon galore. I wish I lived near the shore where I could get fresh not frozen, like the old days in Boston. I loved going to the pier and getting fish caught that day, not to mention the price break. I miss the shore.

I feel like I’m just counting down the days, first to Thanksgiving, then to Christmas. There’s always pressure surrounding these holidays, but for me I’m going to feel some sense of accomplishment for getting through them with a loss, or minimally, being able to stay the same. I don’t have any holiday depression, no pressure to buy gifts or to show up here or there. I have no good or bad stories about drunken family members and abuse. I’m just trying to make it through to another year end with positive accomplishments.

My soul is a little weary with all the changes going on in my life and around me. It’s no specific thing, just all of them put together. I think it’s time to get a little more out on paper so I’m not feeling so full. This is one of those times I hate being the “go to” person. I want a break. Let someone else do it, be it, fix it, make it, break it, bring it…let me be. This may sound a little somber, but I’m actually in good spirits. It’s one of those times in life where you can be really good at setting boundaries, because if you don’t you’ll cave in, melt down, blow up. I don’t want to get lost in the midst of my self-discovery while loosing weight. I want to come out on top in ship-shape, and to do that I must stop people and things from dumping one more good one on me.

This brings me to that place of knowing I need God more than ever right now. I really need His perspective. I want wholeness. I want a healthy soul, free of fear, manipulation and control. I want to walk in love and be loving – demonstrating it before the world. I want to do and say, not just say. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. I want upright character, moral fortitude…to be a person of integrity. I want balance in all areas. Only God can help me get there, or else all my thinking will lead me to a “relative success” vs. the best thing for me. I don’t want to be a copy-cat of someone else…I want to be the best me.

LOL…I’m ready for something light now :@)

The Monday Leading In...

2005-11-21T11:38:00.000-05:00

Charlotte was….nice in a very anti-climactic way. It’s a little like Atlanta except, as if it were possible, the people are even slower (service response and general aptitude), and most folks are transplants. With that being said, I suppose everybody couldn’t live in metro-Atlanta, so it’s good for them to be there. I visited relatives I hadn’t seen in five years. I didn’t expect anyone to notice all the work I’ve done on my body since I’m probably at the same weight I was when I saw them back then. It’s not so bad (looking the same vs. being bigger).

My aunt has Alzheimer’s and it scares everybody to death. My mom won’t talk about it and is afraid she’s going to have it, and my aunt’s kids are strained with how to take care of her. She’s living alone in a condo a half mile away from her son. I was saddened by the whole thing, but thought, for all that has been said about the disease (and her) that she’s doing pretty well in spite of things. It's very wierd watching my relatives grow older. It spoke to me even the more about getting healthy NOW so that I can be in good shape later.

The biggest highlight was being able to look through her old, family photo albums. She recognized most people (surprisingly). My daughter was able to find herself in it and therefore felt connected. Prior to this these people were “strangers” (in her words) and not appropriate to stay with…lol. This generation of the family has been quite estranged compared to the last, and as a result our kids don't feel connected. It's something else to put on the list to do something about. It was a great reunion.

I ate pretty well. I brought some NS stuff with me which was handy for being on the go. Saturday we ate at a soul food restaurant and I was able to get away with having a veggie platter (minus the lard, fatback, smoked hocks and anything else traditionally thrown in to add flavor). I treated myself to a falafel pita (love those…yum) and the worse thing I ate was a slice of pizza and a few fries I snuck off someone else’s plate. I got a workout in at the hotel’s fitness center, and did a little walking at the mall. Not bad.

This week I’m trying to have as much discipline as possible leading into Thursday. I’ve decided to give myself a day off then and just practice good choices/smaller portions. I think it’s going to be better to do it this way so I don’t have a deprivation reflex that’ll send me into a tailspin. We’ll be eating with friends. As a strategy I’m going to eat some salad and fruit in advance of going. This way I’m hoping to not be as hungry.

That’s pretty much it. Boy am I looking forward to another family visit this week, and a weekend full of football. In the words of Tiny Tim…God bless us, everyone.

10 Laws of Losing Weight

2005-11-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

I read this and thought it worth posting. I’m not a fan of legalism, but these “laws” are practical…makes lots of sense. I’m off to have a long-needed relaxing weekend in Charlotte.

Fast, Effective: The 10 Laws of Losing Weight
By Dr. Matthew Anderson
Exclusive for eDiets
November 17, 2005

For my guarantee to apply you must practice all, I SAID ALL, of the Laws I am presenting. Notice I used the word “practice.” I did not say “try” or “sample.” Serious weight loss that is sustained is tough to accomplish -- unless -- you practice these Laws.

Practicing the principles will produce results and my experience is that everyone is capable of doing what is required and thus producing the desired results. How long it takes to get there is a very complex issue. Every one of us starts at a different point. But these Laws apply to ALL.

IMPORTANT!!! I have listed the Laws in order of importance, from the least important to the most important. For the best results, start at the bottom and work up. The average seeker of weight loss usually starts at the top and gives up because she/he has not attended to the deeper and more crucial issues. Build a strong foundation before you try to put in a window on the third floor.

THE 10 LAWS OF GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
1. EXERCISE -- A minimum of 20 minutes of aerobic exercise to increase the heart rate three times per week. Talk to your doctor and start slowly. More exercise is OK as long as it is sensible and balanced.

2. EAT HEALTHY -- Have balanced meals, more fruits, vegetables and fish, less red meat and far less junk food. Vitamin supplements are OK if guided by a nutritionists or doctor.

3. EAT LESS -- Conscious eating always produces a significant decrease in food consumption. This can mean as much as 50- to 75-percent difference in some compulsive eaters.
NOTE: One's ability to consistently fulfill and practice Laws 1, 2 and 3 is dependent upon the practice of ALL 7 Laws below. Will power and denial are no substitutes. The ability to sustain the practice of the first three Laws is a direct result of practicing Laws 4 through 10.

4. SELF-EXPRESSION -- Being and doing your true self in action, words and thinking is essential. Say what you mean, do what is right for you and live a life that reflects your best talents and skills. This Law is highly dependent upon the practice of Laws 5 through 10.

5. SELF-ACCEPTANCE -- A willingness and ability to love and accept yourself as the imperfect and wonderful person that you are. Overcoming crippling self-hate and extreme self-judgment and replacing them with compassion and a realistic assessment of your true value. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Laws 7, 9 and 10.

6. MANAGE EMOTIONS -- The ability to identify, observe and productively focus and/or express your intense emotions. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Law 7.

7. HEAL EMOTIONS -- Identifying, experiencing and working through your emotional wounds so they no longer dominate your behavior, your relationships and your sense of self. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Laws 8, 9 and 10.

8. MANAGE THINKING -- The ability to identify, observe and productively focus your thought processes. Includes the awareness that most thinking is perceiving as opposed to knowing. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Law 9.

9. HEAL THINKING -- Identifying, experiencing and working through your mental wounds so that they no longer dominate your emotions, your perceptions, your relationships and your sense of self.

10. SPIRITUAL NURTURE AND DEVELOPMENT -- A willingness and ability to connect and relate to the Divine Source -- God -- Higher Power. An ability to allow that Source to guide your life and nurture your deepest needs. This Law affects all other Laws. Your ability to practice it effectively can be limited by issues either healed or avoided in Laws 7 and 9.

Question: Can you start with any Law and go from there to the others? Yes you can. In fact that’s what we all do. The most important point here is that you cannot eliminate a Law.

Question: Can you practice more than one Law at a time? Absolutely. We all do. You can diet and eat less while you are working on your spiritual development and healing your emotional wounds. One supports the other.

Question: How fast can I expect results? I don’t know. Sometimes some individuals lose weight quickly. Others need to grow spiritually or emotionally before the weight disappears.

2005-11-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

A foot and a half!

I started June 27th, and since then I've lost 18 inches off my bod. I'm SO happy about it. Today I'm just taking this in. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow can take care of itself...but today I'm 18 inches smaller. Hot-diggity.

I spoke to my nursery director about incorporating fitness activities with the children I watch every weekend. In order for me to do it, I need more space and there seems to be some contention about it. I have favor for now, and the kids are really enjoying the time, so I'm not changing anything. It'll be a moot point once we hit warm weather again, because we have outdoor playing fields. What's funny to me is how great this is for me. I'm teaching them games I learned and played in my childhood and joining them when they play. I must crack up at least three or four times - belly laughing - and it's so gratifying. The thing about this is, I'm the only one doing it (we have six services/sessions a weekend) so when the kids come in at other times and want to play these "old school" or odd games I make up off the top of my head, they can't because nobody else knows how to run the games. This leads to lots of conflicts when the kids try to run it themselves, and is a recipe for disaster. I suppose I'll be forced to think big picture a lot sooner.

This lead to a conversation about me becoming a nursery director. I was shocked about it because normally people are promoted to supervise shifts, but they're asking me about overall oversight. I absolutely love working with the kids, and also like coaching and mentoring, but one more responsibility isn't going to cut it for me right now. I'm passionate about doing a few things in excellent over doing many in mediocrity, and I gave up youth ministry so I could focus on serving in the inner-healing ministy. I don't have anyone to protect my time and interests (like a spouse would), so I have to look out for myself, and having gone through burnout before, I don't want to be there again. If anything, the answer is "not now."

In the meantime, I suppose I'll be working on getting this vision (fitness ministry) mapped out on paper. One more thing to do...

Entitlement

2005-11-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

Hoorah…the plateau is broken! I really can’t verbalize the relief and sense of accomplishment (for enduring) that I have for getting past it. Three weeks is a long time to me, but I read that someone on the BB had been in a plateau for six months. SIX MONTHS! Dear God!

That had me thinking about entitlement. I feel like I’m entitled to weight loss when I follow the plan, make sacrifices and deny my comfort and flawed behavior patterns. For goodness sakes, I’m in the gym several times a week, exercising body, mind and discipline. I’m making the proper food choices. It’s a personal offense to me that my body would want to hold onto a few lbs (trying to prove it’s in control), but whoever said this would be about fairness and getting out of it what I put in. Well…I win! I’m not entitled to it, but persevered and earned it.

It’s that same entitlement mentality that got me here in the first place. Because I felt entitled to eat my 10-14 fried wing dings, three slices of pan pizza, soda, ice cream, candy… whatever I wanted, for whatever reason, whenever wanted…for that I gained weight. I wasn’t entitled to those things either. I’m not entitled to them now. I must count the cost at all times.

The cost of loosing 177lbs is having to go through these blasted plateaus, ride the emotional rollercoaster, stick to the disciplines regardless of my perception of progress at the time, put in my hours at the gym and remember the goal and why I’m doing it. Every day I’m counting the cost. At every meal I’m counting the cost. Every time I work out I’m counting the cost. It’s expensive, but I’m worth it!

Little Jeans

2005-11-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

I’ve got my “little jeans” on and I feel great. Granted, they do stretch…but when I looked at them while ironing I thought to myself – I can’t believe I’m fitting these!

We’ve had wonderful, balmy weather in GA for the past few weeks. I was glad to be able to turn the heat off. This is one trade-off that pays leaving coastal New England – that and not having to shovel! We’re still encountering fall foliage so everything is looking beautiful. I’m really slipping because I can’t bring myself to rake my lawn with all the beautiful, colorful leaves on the ground. I could just be lazy…lol.

My legs have been very fatigued since I moved up to four workouts a week. I asked my “have a cheat meal” instructor about it and she said I may not be getting enough rest in-between. This one is hard to take during a plateau because I want to do all I can to break through. Yesterday I struggled with the idea of resting all day, but finally went home and watched my favorite show (LOST). I'm planning on doing a week with NS foods just to make sure I'm following the plan and walking in discipline.

I’ve noticed something in my weight loss journey. Part of the baggage of the weight was bad posture, sometimes walking with my head down (studying carpet…lol) and avoiding eye contact with the opposite sex (mostly men I find attractive). I’ve been conscious of the “head down” thing and have worked on it already so I’m feeling that’s one battle won, but I became really aware of the avoidance thing yesterday while approaching the grocery store.

I got out of my car and by the way I was walking (in some little jeans :) you’d have thought I had a string pulling me up by the head like a puppet. I felt two inches taller. I’ve noticed that my walk and swagger have changed in loosing 45 lbs…just a little more confident. As I approached I saw a man (who I found very attractive) at the entrance engaged in casual conversation with one of the workers. When previously I would have made minimal eye contact, yesterday I stared a hole in the back of his head and showed him my pearly off-whites (lol). He did a double-take, which was real nice. I kept walking in and realized what happened (that I didn’t turn away), and thought about it.

I’ve been walking in the stigma of being overweight for so long, avoiding eyes and stares because of all the years of negative comments and rejection , but yesterday I realized that I’m coming out. No more retreating, less discomfort with stares because I feel more attractive now. I’m happier with me. I’m not perceiving every look as negative or judgmental anymore. I’m worthy of attention and can hold a good glare of my own without feeling self-conscious. What will I be like when I hit the 100lb loss??? That scares me, but is a concern for another day. Until then I will enjoy becoming a new vision of me.

STUCK!!!

2005-11-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

Stuck again – no loss of poundage, but I’m not stressing. I’ve got on my loose fitting blouse and slacks that are screaming THIS CHUBBY CHICK IS LOOSING WEIGHT – WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A NEW HOME SOON! I was in the pool running yesterday thinking – wow my heart and body must be happy they’re getting a workout…all that blood flowing and oxygen circulating. It’s kewl - I’m hanging.

I was very active last weekend and made an intentional change to my nursery classrooms. I'm now engaging the kids with physical activity ("extreme" simon says where I take them through calisthenics and a mini-aerobic workout without them knowing it; tag, football, jump rope) and incorporating it into our regular classroom time. I had a blast and surprisingly had great endurance for the hours I put in. It was more fun for me (having my little secret) than for them. I've been thinking about trying to get a fitness ministry going for a while and maybe this is the catalyst.

While reflecting on the weekend I was struck by the thought of a person’s sphere of influence. We have the power to influence people - positively or negatively. While working with the kids I’m always thinking about how I can do something with them or say something that could change their current paradigm and launch them to new heights of potential. One word, one phrase, one smile, one hug, one acknowledgment or affirmation, one gift or act of kindness could make a difference. I think for some of us more of these things would have made the difference in whether or not we’d be overweight and/or insecure. If we could see how much power we possess and harness it – utilizing it to the fullest – what a difference it would make in so many lives. Sometimes we can be so selfish – I’m as guilty as the rest – not capitalizing on opportunities presented to us every day to make a deposit into someone for the future. Does there always need to be something in it for me??? Sometimes omission is just as bad or worse than saying something negative. Value others.

For me, today I’m appreciating the many people who poured into my life. My sixth grade teacher who communicated through the millstone of a chip on my shoulder, the lawyer who encouraged me to go to college and to be a great parent, a friend who saw my spiritual potential and urged me forward…they saw me and gave me silver boxes of inspiration. I still remember them and their impact, and I wouldn’t be the person I am today had they not invested in me. I’m so grateful.

I’m making it a part of my daily prayer, asking God to make me sensitive to the opportunities around me to be a life-changing influence.

Grateful thoughts

2005-11-04T15:15:00.000-05:00

…Just sitting, thinking about a few things I’m grateful for:

God and having a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ – without Him I’m nothing. I love the Body of Christ, my wonderful pastors and church family.

Life itself and having use of all my faculties. Among all God’s creation in the earth we’re at the top of the chain. What a gift. We’re soul, spirit and body – simple and complex, weak and powerful…an incredible work.

My daughter. She’s one in a million and is one of the brightest parts of my life. In adulthood, we have a great friendship. I can’t imagine life without her.

My family. We’re quirky, but we belong to each other (. I especially appreciate the laughter in our home when I grew up, and my parent’s deliberate effort to expose us to diverse experiences (food, culture, travel, etc.). I love having sisters and brothers, and being a middle child (in the words of Jan Brady…Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA!!!).

I appreciate being born in America – God bless America!!! I was born in a small town. I got to roam the streets with my little, red, radio flyer wagon returning coke bottles (glass – the “real thing”). I can remember being four and five and walking around our neighborhood without a worry or care. I played outside all day long, and didn’t come in until the sun went down.

Favorite things to do: play marbles, rolled my die cast metal hot wheels cars through the dirt (can you say “Tomboy?”), tag, hide and seek, double dutch, climbed fences and trees, jumped fences and fell on my face (ouch! Dad removed glass from my face for over an hour and put mecuricrome all over – later deemed unsafe because of its mercury content), barbie and ken (before metrosexual was even a term!), super-elastic bubble plastic, metal jax, slip and slide, homemade boomerangs, big wheels, tobogganing, bicycle built for two, football, softball, walking by Jack in the Box and Texas Weenies (hot dog stand) and smelling their awesome sauerkraut and special sauces (smelled like funky armpits), and last but not least…walking to “The Italian Lady’s” for penny candy.

I’m grateful for all the necessities – food, clothing, housing, employment…things we all take for granted that others don’t have here and abroad. Thank God we’re not in a war-torn country (physically anyway), or crushed by poverty and famine as in the third world.

I appreciate my friends – all who I hope know how important they are to me and how much I love them. It’s heartbreaking when something happens to family or friends and you end up at their funeral giving them flowers. I believe people should get their flowers (appreciation and affirmation) when they’re alive.

I appreciate the opportunities I’ve had as well as the struggles I’ve gone through, beginnings and endings. Each played a role in who I am. I thank God for every person He placed in my life to color my landscape – whether positive or negative it’s all good in the end. On that note let me mention that I forgot I had an ex-husband (story for a different day). That, to me, was really positive…lol…it just never happened ROFL!

I’m thankful to be employed. I’ve lost jobs before and lived on my last dollar not knowing where the next was coming from. I saw the miraculous – checks in the mail from folks who knew nothing about my situation, people showing up at my front door with money or groceries. God really blessed and I was unashamed to receive the help. I don’t take for granted that employment isn’t an entitlement, but also know it is God who is my employer and provider (and He’s proven Himself).

I appreciate rainy days and sunny ones. They balance each other.

I’m glad to live in a democracy. I’m grateful for those who serve in the public sector, especially the military.

Thank God for lobster, shrimp, chicken wings and asparagus (yum).

I love seeing people perform at their highest level of potential, whether it’s athletes, musicians - whoever.

I appreciate the sound of alto saxophone and any stringed instrument (let’s not have the harp or ukulele please). If I were an instrument, I think I’d be a sax or violin/viola.

I’m grateful for second, third and 97,000 second chances.

Thank God for people who smile all the time. They remind us that there are good things in life.

I’m grateful for NS friends who faithfully encourage one another daily.

Finally, in today’s stream of thoughts…thank God for NS. I’ve made plenty of other attempts at loosing weight, but this is the first with a lifestyle change that I feel I can live with.

NSV for the day: someone stopped in my office today and said “we were just talking about you today and how good you’re looking. You’re a different woman. You’re looking good!” I was grateful for that too :)

Restless in GA

2005-11-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

I’ve been sick this week and not very motivated to journal. This is the second attack on my body in as many weeks, and it sucks (I’m fatigued and achy). Last weekend I worked in a room full of three year olds at church in the nursery, and every one of them had a runny nose. Tis’ the season I suppose.

I have not logged in an official weight since the gain, but I did recover those pounds and am back at 282 – though the scale wants to wander between 282 and 284. I had to do a Bob weigh in and get off and on the scale three times to get the average (I chuckled). I’m just happy to be back where I was. I think I may need to go down to 1200 calories for a week or two because I foresee a plateau coming. I’ve hovered around the same weight for the last week, though I have altered my water intake. The cool weather is a great host for tall cups of tea and I have to consciously remember to drink all my water. On the flip side, I’ve been adding extra activity, whether walking or jogging in the pool – something’s gotta give.

Last night I stood in front of the mirror to admire all of my hard work (. I can see more definition in my shoulders and the tops of my arms, I can make my chest move/jump (no comment…lol), I can see where my upper body is shrinking (who would have thought buying new bras and undies would be so much fun???), I have a waist on the horizon, my neck is more pronounced – lots and lots of changes. I liked the changes – liked me. It was great.

I bought a fitness dvd (The Firm for legs, hips and abs) and hope to start using it soon. I previewed it the other day and just sat and watched it. LOL…that was sad (watching the dvd vs. doing the workout) – some of the things they were doing were astounding at the rate they were doing it at, but I’m determined to moderately participate and work my way up. Now I at least know what they’re doing. I’m still chuckling thinking about it, reminiscing about the old days and how I’d rent fitness videos, sit down with a snack and watch them. Hillarious!

All else in my world continues to spin and churn. My restlessness makes it difficult to focus on the tasks at hand – it’s just one of those seasons. I press toward my destiny and look forward to being on the other side (of this time and my current challenges), reflecting on how much this helped me grow and the potential to impact the lives of others. It’s all good.

Looking forward to the weekend…

2005-10-31T12:35:00.000-05:00

Another Monday...

I can't get over how beautiful the weather has been for the past few days - gorgeous. I was out Saturday all day and ate my infamous "cheat meal" at the Cheescake Factory. Yum. Prior to eating I did a two-hour water workout, and then after eating I walked for an hour and a half. Somehow I just couldn't eat it and let that be that...I had to buff up my workout and was glad to. Anyway, walking around Atlanta on a sunny Saturday at a new outdoor mall was just what the doctor ordered.

I think I should have an okay weigh-in this week. Hopefully I can get back on track with momentum. I'm hoping to get my bp, cholesterol and sugar checked this week, and that all those numbers look great. Surely something should be improving :).

I'm getting some clothes ready to pass on to my sister and daughter. It's an incredible feeling to be able to get rid of some of my "fat clothes" (no matter how nice I think they are). That's making tons of space in my closet. I've tossed the idea that I'll wait to buy new clothes (for my self-esteem's sake) and am picking up bits here and there. This is just gonna be part of the process/reward system.

I'm trying to mentally prepare for Thanksgiving, between meal planning and strategies for smart eating. My daughter and I had a tug of war over smoked turkey vs. a pot roast. I thought I won hands down with the turkey because a roast would be less lean, but she's refusing to eat the turkey. We may end up with a neutral choice of ham. I've decided in advance that I'm going to enjoy the day without any pressure. I've made it through the fourth of July and Labor Day bbq's...I can' do this one too.

Not much else to log...I'm walking on sunshine (oh-oh...and don't it feel good???).

Eat chocolate???

2005-10-26T15:57:00.000-04:00

I’ve gotten over the distress of yesterday. I got on the scale last night and I was six pounds heavier. Two are probably TOM. I moved on – it was what it was and I have to regroup. I went to my water aerobics instructor (who doubles as a yoga instructor) for a pep-talk and she told me to take a break and eat some chocolate. Have a “cheat meal”. Take some time off. W-H-A-T???? I think I beamed to an alternate universe, bizzaro world – someplace else. I could have burst a blood vessel. I just got finished telling her I’m 10 months in, 45lbs down and bored. She told me to eat chocolate, have a “cheat meal” and eat some salmon. Take a walk. I sat there in the locker room trying to figure out if it was me. Had I somehow missed the vein of what she was trying to say??? Could she not see me in my distress, with more than 100 lbs to loose, trying to keep my grip, looking for suggestions for “healthy” ways to spice things up? It felt like a moment from the movie The Christmas Story when the little kid looses it and blurts out all kinds of obscenities because he’s finally flipped his top.

From that I learned something. As much as I’d like someone else to tell me “the” answer to the challenges I’m having, I will have to walk this one out. I learned that the first 45lbs for me were easy, and the next will be a little more challenging. I learned that this is my journey, and I have to figure out what works and doesn’t work for me. I learned that I have to get past the exhilaration and everything that felt good (including thinking it would always be this easy) and dig my heels in. Roll with the punches and move on. The long haul is here. The time is now. I can always glean from others, but when it comes down to it, it’s about me, my choices and my commitment. This too shall pass. Nothing is impossible with God. All things are possible with God.

I’m still looking at my “ebay bag” wondering – what was I thinking???

We have finally crossed over into fall weather. I turned the heat on for the first time Sunday night. The leaves and piles of pine straw are everywhere. I’ve had lots of hot tea, decaf and cocoa. (…fade in music) It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

I’ve been asked to pray about going to Kenya for a ministry project next summer, and felt honored. The team that will go is mature and it was a great compliment to be asked. I love missions, and loathe the fundraising I have to do to go. In the end, every minute I spend getting things together is worth it when I can extend a hand, touch a heart, lift a countenance and demonstrate God’s love towards creation. I’m tearing up recalling the miracles I’ve seen – physical healings, hearts mended, encouraging words spoken to situations that only God and the person knows about. There’s nothing like watching God do His thing, and getting to be a part of it. I’ve always wanted to go to Africa; it’s such fertile ground for the miraculous. I was born for this!

Life in the Wilderness

2005-10-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

I’m having a wilderness experience – probably better spoken as the valley of the shadow of death. I breathe in a sigh and keep typing. There are certain things I have energy for, and some that I don’t. My mental state is somewhat compromised and directly related to the amount of prayer and quiet time I’m having with God. In a nutshell – I’m tired and anxious.

First, I’ve taken on new hours at work at the request of my wonderful boss. We’re about to step into a peak service season (holidays), and we’re short one person in our administration, so I’ve been asked to add on an hour a day (I don’t miss being salaried right now). In any case, I started working seven to five. It didn’t take long for my nights to be cut short. I barely can make it past nine o’clock before I’m sleeping. Okay, that’s not so bad…but I’m up at freekin 4am, looking around the room. Com’on! During the first week I found little things like extra time for bible study, a little crack of dawn jog, pampering my feet. It got ridiculous quick, so last weekend I willed myself to sleep longer, and it seems to be working out. Needless to say, nobody was very fond of my new zombie look! In addition, I’d like to make strides to take my job performance to the next level and because of everything else going on in life it’s hard to focus on it. Perhaps that’s a little idealistic for now and I need the grace let this go for a minute.

Second, I’m now 10 months into my “lifestyle change” and it’s gotten… boring. At first it was a new challenge (something my competitive nature could identify with), but now that element has changed. Then I was psyched by the reward of being able to fit into smaller clothes and look better in them. Now that’s frustrating because I hardly get to spend two weeks in them before they start sliding around. My old clothes have become frumpy (I’ve got kangaroo pouches in front and my butt is missing from my pants in the back, and in the words of my daughter – some of my shirts look like I’ve borrowed them from my older brother), and the new ones are odd because I’m constantly having to adjust them (because they, too, are becoming too big). Being a woman, especially a chubby chick, I’ve always been proud of the way I appeared – great color combinations, crisp…classic clothing with a neat appearance. Now I’m doing the best I can to present “togetherness”…lol…but the confidence is weaning because I’m constantly adjusting. This is frustrating. Help!!!

My workouts are leaving something to be desired too. I find myself drifting off in class or ready to do my own thing, but I haven’t walked off (which is goooood). I’ve been trying to remedy this by looking at alternatives – but the truth is I really need to do as much work as possible in the water for the sake of my joints, etc. I’ve already aggravated my left heel and sit parked with ice whenever I can. I suppose the reality is I need to look at changing my shoes, sneakers and getting an orthotic – something I hadn’t factored in when I looked at being more fit. My feet are taking a pounding right now.

Third, my eating has been fluctuating over the past two weeks. PMS, time of month, none of this is enough to give me a “bye” week or two. For the first time I may actually post a gain, and this is horrifying – something I never realistically thought I’d face. The nuts are gone, but really I think at issue is whether or not my health (not my size, shape, looks, endurance level) is important enough for me to stay disciplined through this rough patch. I want to snack, and it’s sometimes emotional, and sometimes because I’m not getting enough protein and fiber. I think the revelation I’m getting as I’m typing is that this is an issue right now because I’ve spent less time doing meal planning because of the new hours and fatigue.

Lastly, I’m not liking all the change and transition – not the results, just the painful process. I feel like I’m always, constantly in seasons of change with little time to rest in-between. The truth is…sometimes I try to tell God how to do His job, and when He lets me be in charge of running my universe I inevitably realize how futile my efforts are and how better qualified He is, and I allow Him to do His thing. God is gracious (you’d think we’d learn after getting beat up so often).

Interject short ebay story here...
I bought a coach bag on ebay after being inspired by a friend's purchase. I waited a week for it, paid what I thought was a fair price, got the box yesterday....I've been hoodwinked! I hate it - not in great condition as noted - and - I can't return it. No, it won't give me satisfaction to give a negative response in their feedback...I want my money back! Will I get it? No, I'll suck it up and learn my lesson - nothing is ever as good as it seems on ebay if the price is low...lol. I'm gonna stick with the store.

I think I’m done now…lol. I feel a little less cranky and ready to jump into the day. Okay, more like a moderate crawl. At some point I’ll approach a peak hour and get into gear. In spite of it all, life is good.

Marathon Woman in the Making???

2005-10-20T09:32:00.000-04:00

I have amazed myself…

I missed the gym the other day for feeling under the weather…I’d had a low grade temp for most of the day. I decided to make it up in the park across the street from the house. There’s a nicely marked one mile walking/jogging track that circles around tennis courts, a play area, basketball and volleyball courts, a picnic area and two duck ponds. It’s nice to just be able to frolic there. Anywho, I got my daughter out of the house and I amazed myself. I decided I wanted to try jogging a little bit.

Now I’ve wanted to run for years, and haven’t done it since high school when I played basketball every day. The thought of the pounding on my knees and feet was too much to bear, so I put the notion in my mental filing cabinet for whenever. Every time I watch the biggest looser I think to myself…these people are bigger than I am and they’re running. Why can’t I??? So I did! Surprisingly my daughter followed behind me and passed me a few times. I felt like I had just crossed the finish line and won a gold medal. It took us 20 minutes to cover what we’d usually walk in 45. I actually couldn’t believe I was jogging. I had such a great time doing it that I took another stab at it at 5am. It felt great.

Now I’m sitting at my desk with ice on my knee (proactive therapy), and have already iced my heels proactively…with a cheesy grin on my face. I’m the winner!

For the past few days my boss has been at a retreat, which meant I had to oversee 24 testosterone-full guys. What was most interesting was their complaint that they needed a break from my boss. What??? He’s the most gracious and merciful employer I’ve ever dealt with – corporate, private-sector, non-profit, profit, service industry, non-service, religious community, non-religious…I’m like you’ve gotta be kidding me. I watch daily as he gives guys who would otherwise be written off or fired second and seventh chances. Sometimes I’m stupefied by the application of grace and mercy, however, I believe it’s better to err on the side of mercy than judgment. I couldn’t believe it, and I’m sure they just don’t get it.

It’s funny how it takes you being removed from a situation to see just how blessed you are/were. We can so easily take people for granted too. So…I live each day thankful. I’m grateful for God being in my life and where He’s brought me from. I’m grateful for all the people God has surrounded me with in life, where I live, the things I have and thankful in advance for what’s ahead. I’ve only been out of the country twice, but each time I could see how blessed I am to have been born in America (contrary to popular opinion) and to live here in such luxury – housing, running water, sewage systems and garbage disposal, refrigeration, transportation, jobs, churches, friends, access to medical care (though I am currently uninsured), computers, libraries, schools, parks, entertainment – none of this limited to a certain socio-economic circle…I am truly thankful.

Now, about being uninsured...
It was actually a godsend at the time. I put in an application at work for Individual coverage (we're a small business and there's no group plan) and it was rejected because of my weight in proportion to my height. At the time I was totally insensed - could have turned into the hulk, but later I realized it was probably one of the final last straws to get my butt kicked into gear for weight loss. Prior to that, because my daughter was so much heavier and had been having health problems, I was solely focused on her - totally hypocritical, pot and kettle type thinking. It's gonna be nice going in for verification of my weight and having the insurance company amazed.

I missed my regular weigh-in on Tuesday so I’m curious to see just where I am. Hopefully I will have a good showing despite going nutty for a few days. Onward and downward…

Sweet Nothings...

2005-10-18T14:19:00.000-04:00

Nothing’s really happening. I’ve been aside myself for the past few days – partially PMS I suppose, and otherwise just feeling under the weather. I’ve been eating more, and have had to consciously direct myself to free foods for wanting to eat all the nuts I can get a hold of. I’ve been slipping on those things and think they’re gonna have to go the way of low fat Pringles (banned from my household) – at least for now anyway. What is it with me??? When I find something I like I just dog it until I don’t like it anymore.

I was struck by a “discussion” on the NS boards yesterday about low glycemic vegetables that weren’t listed in the booklet, but nevertheless acceptable. Someone who said they were a nutritionist gave some helpful information. It was great, and I planned to add a few more things to my shopping list. Somehow there was a focus on onions and when Mary Gregg the NS nutritionist had something to say, nutri-chick negated it. I thought that quite interesting. This is the online NS nutritionist for God sakes! I suppose the conclusion I’ve come to is that everyone desires a platform in life to say what they want to say, be seen, be heard…whatever. Fortunately I can chew the meat and spit out the bones, however, I have seen a few in my short tenure with NS give up because they felt the hassle wasn’t worth it. That’s sad to me because the folks who give up often bring so much to the table, and I miss them.

So…to the combative nutri-chick I say…get a blog! Come’on…do you really want to take away from the NS experience??? Get an office and charge people to hear your “opinion.”

To everyone else, read on, type on…and be responsible about it. When you hit that kink in the road just tell em’….get a blog! Get a life is very interchangeable here :o). Hey…that’s just one woman’s “opinion.”

Thursday Interludes...

2005-10-13T09:37:00.000-04:00

My last weigh-in was a shocker to me. Mid-week I had posted a three pound loss (unofficial weigh-in) leading me to believe it would be a big week for me. I was still eating the addictive, but now boring protein bars at a couple of meals. By the time I got around to the real weigh-in I was only two pounds down and the scale was still teetering. What the crap???

My realization:
Arrogance is ugly! I felt invincible, on top of the world, super-confident and secretly better than some for being able to handle my non-NS eating. That led me to arrogantly approach eating things without paying attention to some of my portions. At the beginning of all this I was a maniac about scales, measuring cups and spoons. I filled out the daily diary diligently. Somehow I got it in my mind that I was beyond that – an ultra-superior looser who’s gotten a grip on all this stuff - and wouldn’t slip and fall. How fast the mighty have fallen! Lord, forgive me. My portions started getting bigger and bigger and I stopped measuring with the instruments all together. Last night I had to go for a late night walk because I knew I surpassed 1500 cals by having a couple handfuls of pistachios (one of my weaknesses). In hindsight this morning I’ve decided I need to bag portions that are ready to grab so I don’t have to make a decision of when to stop eating them. I originally started out having them for my dessert/fat combo. Well, anyway, I have not “arrived” yet, so I’m back to being a measuring maniac. I’m sure this affected the potential for loss last week. Now, I’m not unhappy with loosing two pounds, I just put a lot of energy into last week and got the same results as usual.

My daughter has been struggling with stress and depression. I wanna wring her neck! I remember how I saw things at 20 and she suffers from the same tunnel vision – thinking the sky is falling in her little bubble when she’s actually doing okay and just needs the benefit of plotting out some goals and plans. She has no concept of planning to achieve. I hate these cycles with her because the stress triggers sickness and she’s dealing with some medical issues that get very complicated during these times. It’s so rewarding yet so difficult to be the parent of adult children. I’m just praying – praying she’ll catch the revelation and snap out of this. In the meantime she continues to drop lbs which is always good.

Today I’m bored. Sigh. I’d like to leave work and go for a nice walk at one of our local historic mountain hiking trails – pausing every so often to appreciate the fall foliage. General Sherman marched through it on his way to Atlanta to burn it down…lol. What’s funny is I’m so ambivalent about being there. On the one hand it’s beautiful and serene, but I drive around it or walk through it and can’t help but think of how the Native Americans fought and died there or were kicked out (the Trail of Tears), and it makes me sad. I’d settle for sitting by a stream and journaling or laying on a beach in Jamaica (without being harassed to buy something or get my hair braided!) with a walkman over my ears. Sigh…reality - back to work I go.

My thought for today…if you are what you eat, then what am I????

Happy Thursday!

Renovation Progress Report

2005-10-11T13:41:00.000-04:00

Recent SV’s and NSV’s:
My last unofficial weigh-in had me down another four to five lbs. Official weigh-in tonight.
I got tired of being swallowed in my pants and decided to buy a pair of jeans – 3 sizes smaller! I’m wearing bathing suits that are 2 sizes smaller. I’m pulling all kinds of old clothes out of the closet now!!!
Compliments are still coming in at work (finally!! :o)

Yesterday was my first attempt at using weights and an exercise ball. I’ve stretched on the ball at the gym before, but it was my first attempt at a workout. Needless to say, I lasted a good 15 minutes, lol. I hate ab work! I’ve always hated it. As soon as I get going I’ve got a cramp, and the next thing you know it’s rolling all around my stomach. Ughhhhh! I’ve gotta somehow get past this so I can turn my keg into a 2 pack! It’s a lot easier to do crunches in the water with all the rest of the work to build up your core, but I’ve been wondering how effective it is, so I haven’t done a lot there. My next fitness project is to find a non-grueling ab workout I can do consistently.

I’ve been thinking about my size and weight and the messages I’ve received about it over my lifetime as well as my own self-perception. I remember being “big boned” as a child, but always physically active. I was 5’5” and 189 throughout high school, and played three sports during the school year and one during the summer. For as long as I can remember I was always physically active in school or with my brothers and kids in the neighborhood. Somehow that changed after becoming a mom at 19 at which I gained 50lbs during pregnancy and never really got it all off.

It was then that I began medicating with food and communicating to the world through my weight. Things started happening in my life that I had no control over, and I recognize now that I fought depression a lot back then. I remember how I use to walk with my head down at different times (I use to say I was studying the tile…lol). I was very angry about how difficult life was, and mad at the world for seemingly having it so much easier (this is not the diary of a mad, black woman). I used my anger and bitterness (attitude) and weight to try to keep controlled access to who I was and the pain I was in.

I can remember when I was married and how much my husband wanted me to loose weight (I married at 220lbs). I resented him – I wanted him to appreciate me for who I was more than how I looked – though at times I secretly thought I was foxy :o). Guys would always tell me “you have a cute face but…” I never responded to that positively. I believe I tried to keep myself from further facing that type of rejection by, in my mind, shutting men out by cushioning myself in with my weight. I remember someone I really cared about saying that if I gained another 30lbs that would be it (and so it was…eventually).

In those days I didn’t really know who I was, and was very passive-aggressive. I couldn’t see the big picture. Through the years I’ve been through lots of inner healing from the rejection, bitterness and insecurity. The fractions have become a whole. I like myself – though I have to say I never reconciled with my body and have just started doing that. I’ve always felt like I was being held hostage in a shell. The process of dealing with more “stuff” has helped me realize I’m getting to know other facets of me that were there all along, just waiting to be set free. More potential is being unleashed. More hidden anger released. More forgiving streams. More confidence revealed. More creativity to tap into. Greater leadership ability. More love and compassion for others. A greater desire to see others succeed. I voluntarily open my heart to share more of me. These are really good days. Life is good.

2005-10-06T12:18:00.000-04:00

Princess Di!

Post Hump Day...

2005-10-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

How sweet it is!!! Okay, so I weighed in Tuesday night with a six pound loss (4lbs down from last week’s weight and minus the 2lbs I put on mid-week that freaked me out).  As of today I’m down 40 lbs!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!! So, my strategy was successful. Here’s what I did:

Detour bar for breakfast plus or minus an apple
330 cals, 4 carbs, 30 g protein, 9g fat (it also gives you a little calcium and iron)
Detour bar for lunch plus salad w/light dressing
Fruit or salad for a pm snack
NS entrée (or equivalent) for dinner with veggies and salad w/light dressing
Fruit for dessert
Normal water consumption – 8 to 10 glasses a day
I did water aerobics as usual – twice in the five days I tried this.

Basically I ended up consuming 12-1500 calories in approx. four meals, but the biggest benefit was feeling satisfied and being able to give up MY traditional, non-NS deserts.  The downside of this is the nutrition factor.  I take a “buffed up” multi-vitamin that gives me more than 100% of the recommended vitamins plus minerals so I didn’t feel too bad about it.  Overall my energy level was about the same as well.  I don’t recommend doing this every day or very often as it lacks the nutritional balance and doesn’t deal with the behavioral aspect of eating.  For me it was a necessary act of correction to give me the space to deal with eating more than 1 serving of desert, and the reason why I was having that problem.  Plus…I refused to post a gain!

Sigh…yesterday I got an email from a friend and a comment from someone in the office about how they’ve noticed that I’m slimming down (well praise the Lord!). I’m grinning just writing this.  Anywho, I’ve been waiting for people to say something and yesterday I had to flush out the reason.  It wasn’t so much as a measure of approval or the need for flattery, but to be able to mark it as a milestone – when I lost this amount it was noticeable to others. I think it was also a way to address a comment my boss made last month when he asked me why I take so many pictures of myself (his question was how could I tell/see that I was loosing?).  At that point I had already lost 25lbs and in my mind I was like – ARE YOU KIDDING???? You could see it on the Pillsbury Dough Boy! Lol.  Ultimately I decided it’s a lot more important for me to feel good about myself and in my own skin vs. needing the approval of others.  I just chocked my boss’ comment up to one of those insensitive male moments…rofl!!!

Boy, having the focus off of food has really brought some “heart issues” to the forefront.  I’ve had to deal with some unforgiveness in my heart and walls that I’d put up to prevent being hurt.  So, I’ve had some conversations and repentance, and let some things go. I’m so grateful to be able to be better in touch with what’s going on at the core of my being – I hate being all over the place or not having a clue that I don’t have a clue what’s going on (does that make sense???).  Today I feel on top of things – like I’m riding a big wave.  The view’s good up here and I’m not afraid to take the ride (surf’s up!).

2005-10-04T13:47:00.000-04:00

Immature (childish): doing what feels good.
Maturity: delaying gratification.
The mature/adults devise a plan and follow it. Dave Ramsey

Man o' man is that truth. Much of my experience so far has been to reprogram what gratification and the "feel good" actually is...it's gratifying to see scale victories every week. I have had to reprogram myself to know what is good and healthy for me - what is beneficial at the time. That makes me feel good. I so much prefer the high I get knowing I'm doing something great for myself - I'm eating to build a better future. I had to find out what things I can have and eat now and be okay with vs. what the food industry wants to shovel in my face. Planning - totally empowering. All of this has given me a new found freedom.

One of the truths I've been able to prove in a vaccuum over the last few days is that high protein, low carb actually works. So, I was having a particularly hard time sticking to portion sizes when eating my deserts which were not low glycemic. After a few days I realized I wasn't getting enough protein daily. I decided to take a time-out and eat some high protein meal replacement bars and the usual fruit/salad/veggies - just to break the routine and help reinforce the discipline I need. I was reluctant at first but the hours would fly by with such great satisfaction that I'd forget to eat the next meal. I'm hoping that I have a good showing this week on the scale as a result, but more importantly I know how to nix the snack/desertfest.

This "discipline" has definitely helped every area of my life: my relationships, finances, ministry...everything is positively affected. Carving out a new me has been wonderful.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put childish ways behind me. 1 Corinthians 13:11.

In other news...the raise is on the way with a bonus on top. How good is that??? I think about the goodness of God - I don't feel as though I deserve a whole lot compared to my flaws and shortcoming, but God is kind and gracious enough to pour out His love and show me signs that He loves me and wants to bless me just because I'm His child. That's so awesome!

The weekend was nice and peaceful - except for not having access to my computer until today. That made me think - it's not like when your microwave goes out and you have to use a stove for a day. When the 'puter is out life is almost over...lol.

...putting my childish ways behind me.

2005-09-30T11:05:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I had enough gas to power a car! For the past week I've been eating more NS entrees and could tell the difference right away. In addition, I took two Chitosan tablets yesterday (as opposed to the usual one tablet I take). I wasn't sure if I needed to register myself with the government as a deadly weapon or not - but dang...I was dropping bombs! I don't think I'll be taking two anymore.

I'm slowly trying to switch from aspartame to stevia as a sweetner based on the conflicting research out there (I googled "artificial sweetners"). I have a family member presenting symptoms doctors say are consistent with MS and I don't want to be bothered with the question of it being safe. I'd rather consume more natural products. When I think about this stuff I think about Phillip Morris and how they on one hand manufacture cancer sticks, but on the other fund research and do all kinds of "anti" or educational campaigns. What an OXYMORON!!! Capitalism (sigh).

NSV for the day...
I'm wearing a pair of pants my sister gave me as a gift two years ago, but I was too chunky - okay...too fat for em'. The sad thing is, they're already baggy so I don't know if I'll be able to wear them for long. What a sweet Friday morning! I'm wondering...when will other people notice my clothes are hanging off me? LOL

My next project is to figure out how I can position myself so I don't have all kinds of extra skin and folds after I drop all these lbs. I don't have any weights at home and until I stop procrastinating and get some I've been doing arm work with two litre bottles - works quite nicely. I've found that a nice way to multi-task instead of being a couch potato. I can watch one of my favorite shows (Lost), or a football game (preferably the Falcons or Patriots) and do a workout right in front of the t.v. This replaces mindless eating nicely too!

I just got finished talking to my boss about a raise. I'm an office manager in a Christian owned, family-operated business with an owner and co-workers that I love. Somehow they've never conducted reviews or had a schedule for increases. I proposed one :o). I personally like having coaching and mentoring and my personality is purpose driven, so I have been making my own goals and soliciting my own feedback - driving myself. The conversation prompted a slew of ideas and before I knew it we'd come up with some new programs. Mo' money, mo' money!

This weekend should be a good one. The weather is finally cooling off and hopefully we'll get out to the North Georgia fair.

My favorite season, fall, is here. I like the thought of weight and hinderances falling off my body, being brought to death, that in the spring a new outgrowth will appear. Best said...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Off to observe the times...

2005-09-28T14:32:00.000-04:00

Scale report: -2lbs, 35lbs lost to date.

I've been wondering what the "normal" food thought life is for a person who's not overweight. I mean, I've had a love affair with food for so long...I'm constantly having to refocus my mental energy away from what I'm going to eat or things I can cook. I had a friend who was 100lbs soaking wet once tell me and my sister that she didn't think about (obsess is what she wanted to say) food like we do. At the time we were concerned about her lack of energy and frail frame. That was 10 years ago, and I never forgot it.

I don't really miss too many foods I use to eat, just having the option to eat them. There's a guy who comes by our office and brings dozens of Krispy Kreme donuts and Popeye's fried chicken with the fixens almost weekly. When I see it in the office I'm not even tempted. Yesterday I looked inside a box of Folks fried chicken in an as a matter of fact sort of way. Mouth didn't water, no envy...nothing. I didn't want it. Even in the supermarket I don't struggle with buying the right foods. However, I do struggle with "desert time" when I can't decide if I'll have low fat pringles, reduced fat cheese nips...whatever - and they're like Lays to me - who can eat just one (serving)? LOL The thought of dowsing my system with loads of carbs/sugar is sort of sickening at this point. What a nice place to be!

...and now for the "daughter report." Ya...she weighed in last night and lost another five lbs. Amazing. I asked her if she could see herself mentally at her goal weight, and she hasn't really thought about it. I'm so proud of her.

In other ramblings...last night at church a woman told me she was intimidated by me - looked over at me with big puppy dog eyes full of tears. My response was - what, little ol' me? LOL. I told her I could understand how she'd feel that way about the big black lady who cuts straight to the chase. If she knew me she'd know that, while I'm passionate about excellence and things being done right and in order, I'm also passionate about seeing people's hearts and people reaching their God-given potential. I knew my style - my confidence - was overwhelming in relation to her timidness and insecurity. In any case, it brought me right back to the "big, black, church lady" image. There's such a cross-cultural misconception about who I am in relation to what I look (and sound) like. In the meantime, I continue to be me and love diversity. I will not back down from the table because others are uncomfortable and I'm committed to dialogue until we have understanding (and can relate to one another). It was God's idea to put us all down here together :o).

2005-09-26T16:00:00.000-04:00

09/26/05
Last weekend I went camping for the first time. I was on a retreat for leaders from the inner-healing ministry I serve in, and was blessed inside and out to be able to rest. I took as much of my own food as I needed to substitute for the high cal/carb/fat stuff they had. Overall their food was pretty healthy, and I just needed to substitute breads and breakfast stuff. I was pretty happy with how easy it was to do it, and even managed to slip in a brisk walk for exercise. I noticed how I'm not tempted to eat "big ticket" cheating food like cake, cookies and the like. It's great to feel so strong and empowered.

The thing I wanted most out of the weekend was to come away feeling refreshed, and to let go of some of the unnamed anger I was carrying around. Honestly, I was getting angry or frustrated with most everyone and everything - does PMS last two weeks??? Anywho, I feel great today and my disposition has evened out (thank God). The highlight of the weekend was hearing a message someone shared on how we want to hide our weaknesses and pain, but God wants them out in the open surrendered to Him so His strength can be made perfect in them, therefore glorifying Him. (2 Cor 12:7-10) After the message our group confessed some of our struggles and weaknesses and were affirmed in our gifts and callings.

I've been thinking about my NS success and wondering how long it will take to get to my goal weight. Unlike others, I don't set mini-goals for myself so I haven't celebrated the small victories along the way - like finally being in the 200's again. That was HUGE for me. I'm wondering if shedding the weight will take with it some stereotypical reactions people have to me as a "big black woman?"...a "big, black church lady." Will I be a different person when I finally meet the man of God for me? I've just been thinking. I know that I'm different than I was 10 years ago, but can't imagine the person who's emerging from the weight loss.

In other news...my daughter continues to miraculously loose weight in spite of the days she falls off the wagon. I stare at her with envy every week at weigh-in time wondering how she accomplishes these amazing feats. God really loves her! I'm happy for her and at the same time have great concern that she conquers the poor eating habits and makes better choices. She is an adult, so I try to influence by the way I eat and live. Secretly I wish I could eat what she does and still loose weight...just being honest.

I've been reading a lot of good blogs from the NS community and feeding off their energy. I'm blessed that I can pull from others who I don't even know. The wonders of cyberspace...

2005-09-20T13:15:00.000-04:00

Mia and the Alloway sisters 09/17/05

Me and Mia 09/17/05 - she's down 62lbs and I'm down 32lbs.

Mia

Me

2005-09-18T12:05:00.000-04:00

Remember the freedom of being a child? The joy of simple things like taking a ride on a swing...how does that escape us??? I've noticed how necessary it is to embrace the child within me - AND NOT LET HER RULE!!!

The child within me is loves being carefree and wants to avoid responsibility (and pain) at all cost. She has the tendancy of looking over her shoulder in frustration about the past, wondering why God and others did not always protect, nuture, and constantly spoil her (substitute your own words - any will do). She doesn't want to experience any of the pain again - avoids it at all costs and closes her heart to certain people, situations and experiences. She just wants to be safe, secure and...free of worry or fear. She lives for the re-emergence of the previous joyful or simple times. To escape the pain and frustration of the then and the emotional toll of the now, she hides behind food. She has learned to express herself and pamper herself with food. However, she cannot be in control. She doesn't see life through a balanced lense. She is afterall, a child.

We all have a child within that, for whatever reason, needs to be reconciled with the truth. Our childhood years could have been different. Our parents could have done this or that better. We could have chosen different paths, friends, relationships, wives/husbands, schools, careers, geographic locations, etc. Whatever. Everything could have been different. But it wasn't. So now what??? Forgive. Forgive them all. Forgive yourself. Forgive God - not that He needs to be forgiven...but I need to forgive Him so I can let it go. Embrace that child within. Identify with the joys, triumphs, pains and disappointments and....give them over to the Lord. He can deal with these things in us and restore our souls. For me today that means saying...there is enough food to go around. I don't have to hurry and eat so I can get seconds before my siblings gulp them down. The provision is there, and I can enjoy my food in the right portions without binging. Food is not my god. My stomach does not rule my life. Jesus is my Lord. God help me deal with this, or understand that. Help Jesus!

When the inner child is embraced, loved and accepted, hugged, affirmed and acknowledged - we are able to assimilate that in our adult soul. We can thrive. The inner is not screaming for attention any longer. Through Jesus our past can be reconciled with the cross and no longer have power over us. We can be who we were meant to be, whole and entire. I am not two people (or more...lol).

I am Diane, and life is good.

2005-08-24T11:20:00.000-04:00

...definitely my "before" picture - July 2005. 318 lbs...watch me while I slip away ~~~

2005-08-24T09:20:00.000-04:00

First disclaimer: I have no idea what I'm doing, other than sharing part of my life hoping to inspire others. So - please get your expectations in check before going any further!

I'm 39 years old, and a shadow of my former self. You may be thinking I mean it in a bad way, but I don't. It's mostly all good. More on that later. Anywho, over the past few years I have desired to be more involved in sports. What's the big deal about it? I was a whopping 349 lbs at one point, and while being moderately good at volleyball, basketball and softball, I couldn't play without getting hurt. I remember diving (yeah, you read it right) for a volleyball that was going out of bounds and landing on an unpadded knee. Well, as you could imagine with force and inertia playing a big role, my knee was out of wack for a while. It took a good six months to get back to painless daily functioning.

Last year I went on a mission trip to Germany for two weeks. I had to treck around in the summer heat and exhausted easily. It was a wake up call for me, for sure. I'm passionate about Jesus Christ and feel one of my life's callings is short-term missions, and I couldn't imagine being in other countries, perhaps sometimes in remote areas that require lots of walking and hiking, having long days and nights, and being able to hold up under the rigorous demands on my body. I knew I had to change. I had to loose 200 lbs.

The thought of it always overwhelmed me, so I could never buy into weight loss programs. For one thing, it would take too daggone long. Another - most are expensive. I just couldn't find anything up my alley. Well, first things first. The Discovery Health Channel has a health/fitness challenge from January to April every year. One of the perks is that they give you a free two month membership at Bally Fitness. I started working out in January - no diet modification, just working out. Next, this summer an office friend who was on the Nutrisystem program bought a month's supply of food for me and got the weight loss ball rolling. It's been almost two months (I transitioned to using my own food) and I'm already down 25 lbs. Get this - I even lost weight on my vacation!

For the past few years I've been thinking about all the things I'd like to do, but have been inhibited by my weight. In addition, I know I have a God-given destiny to fulfill while I'm alive, and don't want to miss out or be ineffective because of poor stewardship over my body - biblically referred to as a temple of the Holy Spirit. So, I'm on another mission.

I invite you to stop back from time to time to share in the journey.

Blessings,

Diane